"No, I'm talking about the time between him stabbing Roman and you seeking him out. He shouldn't have been armed and you shouldn't have to tell Kiryu shit, he didn't do his fucking job. Izzy is his responsibility, none of this shit should've happened in the first place." He hisses through clenched teeth, but his sharp, agitated expression drops to his hands as he slips them free of Raylan's grip to just flex his fingers.
"And if he'd killed you, I'd have killed him a second time for good measure." He murmurs, but when Raylan says 'baby, look' he does flick his gaze up again.
"It sure as fuck is on Kiryu, it's his goddamned job. He doesn't get a pass on fucking up his responsibilities." He shakes his head and steps away.
"See, this is the fucking problem. All of this bullshit trying to keep your inmates from killing each other, it shouldn't have to be all on you to clean up the mess." But he's tired and frustrated and he doesn't have a punching bag in their cabin. He's half tempted to go next door and flip his fucking desk for good measure.
"So he should have just known that Izzy stabbed someone without anyone telling him? That's not fair." It was asking something impossible and sure, maybe Kiryu needed to keep a sharper eye on Iz but without any reason to know that he needed to do that...
"It's not all on me to clean up - I shoulda told him and gone to him before doin' anything else." There's not a lotta good light for Raylan to stand in here, but he wasn't going to let Kiryu get kicked around for things he couldn't help, or for things that Raylan failed to do.
"I wish you woulda talked to me first, darlin'." He wasn't admonishing or yelling or pissed in anyway - his tone stayed low and quiet, private for no reason other than the What Ifs and the whole 'it could have all been avoided if Raylan had X, Y or Z'. "I never intended this to get outta my pocket."
"Well, you and Jedao don't seem to have any trouble." He sneers and shakes his head.
"Even if he couldn't have prevented Roman from getting a knife thrown at him, he should've known it happened before you ever got your bat and went after him. He should've been keeping a watchful eye on him and knowing what he was up to at all times. He has his file, he can intuit plenty about his character to know he's not to be trusted. He's a fucking pirate, you people seem to at least understand we're fucking slippery, dangerous criminals, and pulling us out of our element and into this place is gonna set lots of men from my time into a very volatile state regardless." He frowns.
"But either way, it was still Kiryu's responsibility. If one of my men went out and murdered another man from another crew, that would be on me as his Captain. I'd get all kinds of hell for it even if in the end it would fall to us and the other crew to decide what the fuck is reasonable to do with my man. It's still my fault if it happened because I didn't keep him in line. Do you understand? Surely there's some kind of hierarchy in your Marshal service." How often did Art get his ass chewed out for shit Raylan did?
"It's not just about what happened to you two, there was a whole lot of other things, constructive things I had to say and suggest. It feels like every time I pick up this stupid fucking device someone was killed." He waves his device and chucks it on the counter.
"But apparently I'm a damned fool for bothering to attempt change, or look for something better for everyone on this godforsaken boat." He sighs, dragging his hand across his brow.
"And frankly, I don't know if I can handle hearing it from you too. So forgive me for getting any kind of notion that I could maybe light a fire under others for positive change." He's not mad at Raylan, he doesn't even blame Raylan for any of it, even if he probably should. He's just frustrated and tired and maybe he didn't punch out enough of that energy at the Gym after all. He feels like he's been kicked all over by every single person on the Barge and he just wants to slink away to lick his wounds. So he'll try to step away to go to the bedroom.
Raylan watches silently, chin dropping the further James went on about it all. The funny thing was, Raylan was just trying to take it piecemeal but all his conversations today had been riddled with tension and blame and it had all fallen on him. Sometimes, the best way to approach an inmate was to give them some breathing room, try to find a bit of respectful ground to stand on. Raylan didn't think that point would be taken very well either.
"I wasn't sayin' that you were a fool," he replies, voice a little louder to reach James's ears.
"I'm gonna go get a drink," he continues as he grabs his hat and slides it up onto his head. He didn't have another fight in him today. Not this kind of fight. Maybe James would be calmer when he got back. "I'll be back in a bit."
As he heads for the door, he can't help the rolling rising fear that when he does come back, James and all of his things will be gone. It'd match the tone of the day, anyway. He'd only be gone about an hour, long enough to go upstairs and sit broodily over some whiskey, chewing over all the different conversations that he'd had today and what they meant going forwards.
He stops short, just inside the doorway of their bedroom when Raylan anounces he's leaving and he turns back to the doorway as if nearly about to call to him and stop him. But he bites his tongue and lets him go, watches him go with a slight pained furrow on his brow, but fire in his eyes. And when his lover is gone he just slinks into their bedroom to pace, teeth grinding.
He sits on the edge of the bed, hands running through his mussed hair. Then he gets up and paces, into the bathroom, glaring at himself in the mirror, back out again. Pacing restlessly till he sits on the edge of the bed again, leg bouncing, fingers fiddling with the necklace and rubbing his thumb over the smooth shape.
He'll get up and leave the apartment to go next door. He's not sure what he's meant to accomplish just that something pulled him there. He stands, eyes moving around the room and it's familiar angles and smell of the sea and wet wood. He moves around his room to the desk, leaning on it briefly until something in him just boils up and cracks like thunder and without realizing it he has overturned his desk. He crashes around a bit more, till his room looks like a hurricane tore through it, but the small shelf of books is unharmed. He breathes, ragged, great huffs until he calms down some.
There, on the floor in the wreckage of his overturned desk is Thomas' book, Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. He stoops to pick it up gingerly and smoothes a hand back over his head to fix his hair in place. He runs his fingers over the pressed-in design on its cover or thumbs through the pages. Drifting, thinking of his failures, how he's changed, everything deafening between his ears. He'll head home then with the book.
Raylan was gone long enough to have never known he even left their apartment. By the time he comes back, Flint is sitting on the couch, book open, Pumpkin on his lap and gently stroking her back as she dozes. Looking for all that nothing has happened.
Three beers, four glasses of whiskey and two pool games by himself down, Raylan's internal scars flair as he comes up to the sunbeaten red hotel door, it's shiny '7' almost mocking him with the threat of the cabin being empty. The necklace beat steady against his chest but he wasn't sure he could trust that either. He glances over at James door, taking some small relief in seeing the same solid door that the Admiral had moved down.
He couldn't stand here forever though. He takes a deep breath and opens the door with a step in. And stops.
James was still here. How he looked came second to him being there at all. He was here, looking for all the world like everything was okay or something. Breathe, he remined himself, closing the door and taking off his hat to hang it. His full holster was pulled off his hip and sat on the thin credenza that decorated underneath the hat rack.
"You feel better after your shower?" James's hair was still wet, but he looked and felt calmer. Less like he was going to angrily vibrate out of his skin - the question was more an opportunity to see How James was. How the rest of this conversation might be headed, for better or worse.
James's eyes flick up briefly over the edge of his book as Raylan comes in and the familiar waft of alcohol hits him. He turns a page in silence letting the other come home and settle in.
The loaded question of if he was feeling better wasn't one he felt he could answer so he avoids it instead.
"How much have you had to drink?" Curious, but almost a little judging, like a housewife questioning her drunk husband who's just wandered in too late while she sat up waiting for him.
It was a familiar question but Raylan didn't really mind it outside of the fact that he'd heard it come before some nasty exchanges. Exchanges he didn't have to worry about getting into because he wasn't that kinda asshole.
"A few. Enough." Enough to numb some of the shit stirring around his chest. Enough to make his accent a little heavier and thicker around the edges.
Raylan comes around and sits next to him on the couch, leaving enough room where they didn't touch but not far away at all. He didn't want distance to be the reason that they got off on the wrong foot.
There's a little bit of a look in that side glance from his good eye that says the answer he got is not good enough. He doesn't push it though and closes the book to set it aside and gently wakes up Pumpkin to coax her off his lap and onto the floor. The foot he'd had propped up on the table is put down as Raylan comes to sit with him, by him, but with still some noticeable distance.
"Enough for what, exactly?" Oh no. Not his turn.
"Do you think I'm angry with you?" Other than giving a damn about his partner's well-being, he's wondering if Raylan wants to know if he 'feels better' because of worrying about how much of those uncomfortable feelings were angled at him.
So the answer was 'No'. Okay. Raylan sighs softly and rubs at his forehead briefly.
"No, I don't. But I do think you're angry and in some spots, rightly so. You've got some valid points. My disagreein' with one isn't me disagreein' with the whole lot or callin' you a fool. I went and had enough to drink that I don't feel like shit for tryin' to have reasonable conversations today."
He fails to see how leaving and getting yourself shitfaced would improve your ability to be reasonable, but he's not about to say that lest it be taken as something passive-aggressive. Which is far from what he's trying to be right now.
"Why did you feel you needed to leave?" All of these questions are spoken calmly and not from a judging or accusing place. It's not meant to be a fight, he's genuinely asking to try and figure out what is going through Raylan's head about all of this.
"Because you needed time to calm down in the shower and I didn't want to stand around chewin' on my liver, doin' the aforementioned self loathing in the silence while you did. You were next door to accusin' me of callin' you and your ideas stupid, and anythin' I coulda said in that moment was only gonna make it worse. Better to let you have the time to clean up and calm down before it's broached again."
"You were very adamant about the fact you think I should've talked to you first, as if that should've stopped me from going on my tirade about how fucked this whole system really is. And I was frustrated and disappointed by the fact that everyone who commented seemed to think I was an idiot for even bothering to propose anything." He shakes his head.
"I never said you thought those things, I just wasn't in a place where I could handle it if you did. And my frustration and anger was never angled at you but I was being open and honest with you about what I was thinking and feeling in the moment." And he couldn't seem to handle it and he needed to walk away and it hurt.
"You asked me if I feel better? I don't have an answer for you because it's much deeper and more complicated than that. I'm fine, I'm... numb. I'm done wasting my time on anyone else but us. Fuck'em. I just don't have it in me anymore to fight. I'm not that man anymore." He doesn't really know who he is yet, he hasn't fully reinvented himself. He was hoping to find inspiration in Meditations but just ended up...numb.
That stung a little. He hadn't been adamant at all, he had been soft and honest, hell he hadn't even made eye contact. "I said 'I wished', James. As small and as soft as I could," he defends with the same 'no sudden movements' air that had been engrained in him his whole life.
He wasn't going to point out what he could have. The sneer, the insinuation that Raylan didn't understand the hierarchy of discipline, the implication that he was somehow pissing on James's community building desires. It wouldn't do anything but prompt more argument.
"You're right about the amount of people that die here. There's a conversation to be had in that. And we should be tryin' to make this place better. You don't gotta be Flint to do that."
It had been repeated to him at least twice, and despite how soft Raylan had tried to be in it, some of what he said just felt (To Flint) like he had done something wrong. He'd been so tired of being told how wrong he was by everyone. But it came from a place of feeling raw and defensive. He felt like he'd been flogged by the entire Barge for daring to have an opinion.
There's a soft slow inhale and a breath, seeing the hurt, hearing the way that Raylan shrunk and recoiled or seemed... afraid? Cautious? He wasn't sure. Like an abused puppy, trying to be small and not get hit. He didn't like that he was doing this to Raylan, making him react that way when they were just trying to talk.
"A lot of my bite came from all the responses I had about the same topics, it put me on a knee-jerk defensive. I... I wasn't trying to take it out on you, I'm sorry." He wants to touch him, but he's afraid he'll pull away if he tries.
"All I got from any of my discussions was how wrong I was, how I didn't know anything or my own faults being lashed back in my face. I realized I've wasted my breath."
"I just, I'm tired, Raylan." He pauses, "Miranda once said to me, the first time I met her, she said, truly great men are made great because of their relentless pursuit of a better world, they never give up because they don't know how."
He casts his eyes down to his hands, "If there's a thing I've realized is I am just simply not a great man, or even really a good one. Perhaps I was never meant to be. It's not for me, every time I've tried it's broken me. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of wasting what precious little I have left on trying to improve things for everyone else. Especially for people that don't care enough to help themselves."
This time he can't help himself, he reaches for Raylan's hand, "I have all I need here, right here." He squeezes his hand for emphasis. "I just want to focus on this, on us."
'I'm sorry' weren't small words to him in this kind of situation. There was a worry that James might swivel back but Raylan had to disregard that because there was no world where he wasn't going to give James the Chance. He believed the sorry, and he wanted to reach over and take James's hand at the never easy apology.
He didn't. He felt like James wasn't done and didn't want to get in the way of the flow.
But his eyes studied James's face while it was turned towards him, his profile when it wasn't. He wanted to interrupt, to protest James's self view but that having air was important too. There was no hesitation in the way Raylan's hand gripped James in return, tight and desperate to hold onto that plainly stated dedication.Â
"There's a reason I don't ever talk to the press," he says after a few long moments, eyes still on the side of James's face, before he drops his eyes to their hands as his thumb brushed back and forth.
"Lotta people hear what they want, focus on that with some hellish blinders. Miranda's view of it all is all well and good but.. Left of incorrect, in my opinion. Because you are a good man. You wouldn't give a shit in the first place if you weren't. There's nothin' wrong with stepping back until you feel.. better equipped to handle those kinda arguments. There's an innate bias against Inmates makin' those kinds of speeches in the first place which- That really ain't about you or what you've done, but an issue with the whole place. Fuck 'em if they can't see the rest of the conversation but.. I got no doubts you'll do this again. There's a reason you're drawn to it, baby. A good reason."
Raylan looks back over at him again. "I'll focus on whatever you want us to focus on, either way. You're not in this alone."
James closes his eyes a moment to take another steadying breath as Raylan calls him a good man, and tries to encourage him his head and heart are in the right place for it. He squeezes his hand a little more, letting the gentle brush of his thumb soothe his ache. He sighs.
"I don't think these things, the ideas can come from me. I don't have enough sway or respect for anyone to hear me. I've done nothing to earn it." Except for the few that respected him for what he did on the Galley but even then...
"I know I'm not the only one who has tried or the only one who thinks what I have said but when it came down to it... all I heard are the echoing voices of opposition and accusation." He lifts Raylan's hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles.
"I just want peace in the end. I want to feel less useless to protect what I care about." He flicks his eye up to Raylan.
"And perhaps both of us should do better with communicating with one another."
Practically speaking, that was very likely true and it was an uncomfortable place to be. James wasn't the only one that got sucked into that trap; Raylan does more often than not and it's a hard pill to swallow.
"Maybe not right now. But we got nothin' but time, and all situations change. You'll find a more successful way to make the argument. Find folks willin' to join you on that side of it. Willing to have the debate in good faith. I'm just afraid it's gonna take another Barge wide attack of some kind. We've had a few good ones. A 'healthy' one, I suppose we could call those weird ass wounds. Kinda worried we're due another ugly one just to even it all out..
He looks over then.
"I've been.. trying to shield you from my bullshit. Better to see if I can get away with it without you findin' out and losin' your mind in rage or worry. There's-" He takes a deep breath, searching his lovers face. "There's gonna be times and places for us to protect each other, but me goin' out with my temper under me isn't somethin' that.. that needs protectin' from. I haven't lost my temper like that more than a few times here. It's not pretty.. And its the only time a little bit of who and what I really am gets to take a breath.. I'm a Marshal for a reason.. My file's as big as it is for a reason. The system protects me in the long run and if I die again, it's gonna be because I've gotten slow, possessed, or out-thought. I'm not scared of it, dyin'. And I think you are."
It was understandable, but James wanted raw honesty and Raylan trusted him enough to try it out. Communication, right?
"That's a bit unfair, isn't it? You and Jedao were attaching yourself to me because of my temper. But I'm meant to ignore yours? Do you think you're protected in this system? I don't actually have anything to lose as you do. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let you go out there half-cocked and pissed off and you did something that got you demoted. You think you've got it all under control, but then admit to me you don't think when your temper gets the best of you, just like any of us. I'm your partner, Raylan, but you don't... you can't seem to rely on me to help you. It's not just about protecting you, your deal matters to me too. Willa matters to me."
He frowns, brow furrowed as he stares at their hands. "I don't fear death for myself. I do fear that there are limits to bringing you back. That something might happen to fuck it all up. What if you don't come back?"
"Why wouldn't I? The whole mechanic has been tested again and again by folks here. Wardens, inmates. Wardens who die and then become inmates. You died. I died. And my temper doesn't usually end with someone dead." Just lightly battered, possibly shot, it's fine.
"I coulda shot Izzy. For havin' his blade against my throat. But I didn't, because of Willa. You-" He stops and licks his lips.
"You're used to having people. Having people watch your back and help you. The navy, your crew, Miranda. I've lived my entire life relying on myself alone. The Marshal's service will come in now and then but largely.. I've learned how to do it, how to keep myself out of the worst of trouble, and believe it or not, I'm good at it. Gotten myself outta more dangerous situations than the Barge has put us in with no mechanic to lean back on to bring me back to life.. That experience, those skills, have to matter otherwise what- I've just been lucky my whole life?" He shakes his head a little.
"Feels dismissive to categorize it like that. And I know, just because I've been doin' it on my own my whole live doesn't mean that I can't share any of it but--" He sighs out, jaw tensing a little. "I keep it in line for so long. It feels like a primal right to be able to have that emotion now and then without gettin' shit on for feeling a Thing. I can handle everyone else havin' an opinion on it. Their opinion doesn't matter. But I can't share my temper like that. If I need help, when I need help, I promise I will say somethin' to you. But when I don't, when I just want to go and do my job for a few minutes, the way I've been doing it for over twenty years.."
"You know that's why Winona left me, right? Because I was dedicated to my job and doin' it the way I've always been doin' it. She got tired of bein' worried about if I was gonna come home. I don't blame her but.. I always came home."
"Just because it hasn't failed doesn't mean it never will. And do you really think nothing can ever go wrong? I'm glad you are strong and confident in your skills, but you aren't perfect, Raylan. Anything can happen. I'm not questioning your skills, I'm not doubting you, that's not what any of this means. You just can't assume you will always be in control, that you will always come out fine, life doesn't work like that. You would be a fool to think you will get it right 100% of the time." His one good eye is pleading.
"And just because you've been so self-sufficient all your life doesn't mean you always have to be. You have me. I want you to be able to rely on me. I'm not asking you to take me along on everything you do, I just... I just want to know about it. I just want you to be able to tell me when you're heading out to confront someone, or I don't know, I just want to know what you have a mind to do. I don't want you hiding anything from me. You need to trust me to trust you. Trust me that I'll listen to you when you say you'll handle something and not get in your way. And trust that I trust in you to take care and not do something stupid. At least then, I'll be here, waiting for you when you come home to welcome you with a drink or something to clean your wounds. Or I can be there when you call for me and want me by your side."
He shakes his head, "I just can't stand the fact that you feel like you need to hide anything from me. As if I can't handle your anger, after all the shit I've put you through. I just... I want to be here, I just want to know and be a part of it even if I'm not there with you on whatever mission you're on. Don't count me out so easily. I can handle it. I can handle you. All of you."
It had failed, twice. He'd been shot before for his over-confidence. But that didn't make any of James's points wrong, in any way.
Trust me that I'll listen to you when you say you'll handle something and not get in your way. And trust that I trust in you to take care and not do something stupid. That stuck out to him, struck a cord in him. That worry was another big reason that he wasn't overly inclined to open his mouth. Better to ask forgiveness than permission.
Raylan tightens their hands, staring at them as his lips tighten, working and then, letting go. James was asking for the ugliest side of him. All of him? Even he didn't want to handle all of himself. It was the Moon.
"Nothin' much good about all of me," he says quietly, before inhaling and looking over. "But all I can promise to do is try. I want to trust you like that." Even if nothing in his genetic code suggested he should. The last two times he had found out anything, James had lost it. Earned a shadow, blew up the network. But he honestly believed what James was saying. He had to hope James believed it too. That he could have that control.
"And I understand that if I want you to trust me the same way, I have to. And I do want that. Behind my own door is the only place I have to.. feel.. I dunno, secure enough to say half the shit I do anyway." His real, raw opinions. "Everyone out there.."
He shook his head a little, eyebrows lifting as he lifts his free hand to scrub at his face. "You weren't alone in havin' hard and or frustratin' conversations today, I'll say that."
A lot of things would've gone differently if they'd talked beforehand, especially now. If Raylan had told him what he was going out to do about Izzy, if Flint had told Raylan about any of his feelings first before posting. It would've gone differently, maybe better for both of them, if they'd just understood what was going on in the other's head.
"Nothing much good about all of me either, but that's not the point, is it? We love and support each other anyway, through thick and thin, through the best and the worst parts. The point is we stay and we endure and we heal each other no matter what." He reaches out with his free hand to cup his face and brushes his thumb over his cheek.
"I'm not Winona or Tim, I mean what I said, you have all of me, for as long as you'll have me, or want me to be here." He just hopes Raylan can give him every part of him eventually, even the ugly parts.
"I'll say it again and again, as many times as you need to hear it. I would love nothing more than for you to feel like you can trust me and give me the same. But I understand it's something that might take time. I'll be here and I want the chance to prove to you I will remain here no matter what. That you can trust me. That you can trust IN me." He leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.
He is trying desperately to control his temper and to give Raylan a reason to trust him. There are a lot of things they are learning and trying to correct in themselves together, after years of abuse and neglect and toxic, terrible situations. It'll take time, but he needs Raylan to know he's willing to see it all through and see every part of it.
Raylan's dark eyed, serious gaze was easily diverted back to James under that warm, rough hand, softening around the edges with a flicker over James's face at the sharp assertion that he wasn't Winona or Tim. Raylan couldn't run from that, not here, not when it was the exact thing he couldn't help but worry about. Another thing that he had tried to avoid because speaking about it gave James the power to hurt him deeper by knowing how it would effect him.
James was also clearing some easily assumable hurtles; Raylan would need to hear it again, would need it proven in reality before those deepest corners would consider that the universe would really give him that.
Raylan's lips purse in return, automatically kissing James back and following to capture his lips properly, in a firm but chaste kiss, a silent 'thank you' and 'I love you' all wrapped in one. Now would be a terrible time to purpose, wouldn't it? He didn't even have a ring.
"Starting today," he continues once it breaks. "More open communication. Because I never want you to leave darlin', that ones easy as breathing." He kisses James again before lifting their hands to kiss James's knuckles.
"Even if one of us has to step out to get a little drunk now and then."
It wasn't his desire to hurt Raylan or twist the knife to manipulate him. Winona had done so much damage to Raylan and undoing those built-in defenses, and healing those scars would take time. He's more and more frustrated with both Winona and Tim for the damage he sees. Heaven forbid he ever see either of them again, he would rip them both a new asshole. Or, at the very least, Winona, Tim wouldn't really know what he'd done, he likely wouldn't remember his time on the Barge.
That would have to be one more thing they'd have to work on, the idea that Raylan is guarded because he assumes someone who loves him will only want to use his vulnerabilities to hurt him in some way. To build up black-mail, or whatever else. That toxic poison that Winona had put into him so deep in his veins that now he assumes it of everyone who loves him. Though he knows his father's abuse has some to do with it, there was a long, deep foundation built because of his Father, but Winona added a million blades and a thousand papercuts to an already painful trauma. Flint's slowly finding more, being allowed to see those hurts, but they run deep and it'll take time to break those poisonous quills from Raylan's skin. He's determined to find and heal every single one that he can. But he can't know about them without seeing it and putting together the pieces, or for Raylan to feel comfortable enough to admit it.
He kisses the other softly in return, feeling the warmth and press of those silent words. If Raylan had proposed to him he wouldn't have cared if there was a ring or not, they had their necklaces, and rings could come later. Those words are bouncing around behind his teeth and tongue. Perhaps it was too soon...
There's a nod of agreement and another gentle kiss, eye focused completely on Raylan. "Or get into a little fistfight, hm? As long as I know what to prepare for when you get back. I want to be here to give you whatever you'll need."
He just wants to be informed and present and prepared.
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"And if he'd killed you, I'd have killed him a second time for good measure." He murmurs, but when Raylan says 'baby, look' he does flick his gaze up again.
"It sure as fuck is on Kiryu, it's his goddamned job. He doesn't get a pass on fucking up his responsibilities." He shakes his head and steps away.
"See, this is the fucking problem. All of this bullshit trying to keep your inmates from killing each other, it shouldn't have to be all on you to clean up the mess." But he's tired and frustrated and he doesn't have a punching bag in their cabin. He's half tempted to go next door and flip his fucking desk for good measure.
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"It's not all on me to clean up - I shoulda told him and gone to him before doin' anything else." There's not a lotta good light for Raylan to stand in here, but he wasn't going to let Kiryu get kicked around for things he couldn't help, or for things that Raylan failed to do.
"I wish you woulda talked to me first, darlin'." He wasn't admonishing or yelling or pissed in anyway - his tone stayed low and quiet, private for no reason other than the What Ifs and the whole 'it could have all been avoided if Raylan had X, Y or Z'. "I never intended this to get outta my pocket."
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"Even if he couldn't have prevented Roman from getting a knife thrown at him, he should've known it happened before you ever got your bat and went after him. He should've been keeping a watchful eye on him and knowing what he was up to at all times. He has his file, he can intuit plenty about his character to know he's not to be trusted. He's a fucking pirate, you people seem to at least understand we're fucking slippery, dangerous criminals, and pulling us out of our element and into this place is gonna set lots of men from my time into a very volatile state regardless." He frowns.
"But either way, it was still Kiryu's responsibility. If one of my men went out and murdered another man from another crew, that would be on me as his Captain. I'd get all kinds of hell for it even if in the end it would fall to us and the other crew to decide what the fuck is reasonable to do with my man. It's still my fault if it happened because I didn't keep him in line. Do you understand? Surely there's some kind of hierarchy in your Marshal service." How often did Art get his ass chewed out for shit Raylan did?
"It's not just about what happened to you two, there was a whole lot of other things, constructive things I had to say and suggest. It feels like every time I pick up this stupid fucking device someone was killed." He waves his device and chucks it on the counter.
"But apparently I'm a damned fool for bothering to attempt change, or look for something better for everyone on this godforsaken boat." He sighs, dragging his hand across his brow.
"And frankly, I don't know if I can handle hearing it from you too. So forgive me for getting any kind of notion that I could maybe light a fire under others for positive change." He's not mad at Raylan, he doesn't even blame Raylan for any of it, even if he probably should. He's just frustrated and tired and maybe he didn't punch out enough of that energy at the Gym after all. He feels like he's been kicked all over by every single person on the Barge and he just wants to slink away to lick his wounds. So he'll try to step away to go to the bedroom.
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"I wasn't sayin' that you were a fool," he replies, voice a little louder to reach James's ears.
"I'm gonna go get a drink," he continues as he grabs his hat and slides it up onto his head. He didn't have another fight in him today. Not this kind of fight. Maybe James would be calmer when he got back. "I'll be back in a bit."
As he heads for the door, he can't help the rolling rising fear that when he does come back, James and all of his things will be gone. It'd match the tone of the day, anyway. He'd only be gone about an hour, long enough to go upstairs and sit broodily over some whiskey, chewing over all the different conversations that he'd had today and what they meant going forwards.
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He sits on the edge of the bed, hands running through his mussed hair. Then he gets up and paces, into the bathroom, glaring at himself in the mirror, back out again. Pacing restlessly till he sits on the edge of the bed again, leg bouncing, fingers fiddling with the necklace and rubbing his thumb over the smooth shape.
He'll get up and leave the apartment to go next door. He's not sure what he's meant to accomplish just that something pulled him there. He stands, eyes moving around the room and it's familiar angles and smell of the sea and wet wood. He moves around his room to the desk, leaning on it briefly until something in him just boils up and cracks like thunder and without realizing it he has overturned his desk. He crashes around a bit more, till his room looks like a hurricane tore through it, but the small shelf of books is unharmed. He breathes, ragged, great huffs until he calms down some.
There, on the floor in the wreckage of his overturned desk is Thomas' book, Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. He stoops to pick it up gingerly and smoothes a hand back over his head to fix his hair in place. He runs his fingers over the pressed-in design on its cover or thumbs through the pages. Drifting, thinking of his failures, how he's changed, everything deafening between his ears. He'll head home then with the book.
Raylan was gone long enough to have never known he even left their apartment. By the time he comes back, Flint is sitting on the couch, book open, Pumpkin on his lap and gently stroking her back as she dozes. Looking for all that nothing has happened.
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He couldn't stand here forever though. He takes a deep breath and opens the door with a step in. And stops.
James was still here. How he looked came second to him being there at all. He was here, looking for all the world like everything was okay or something. Breathe, he remined himself, closing the door and taking off his hat to hang it. His full holster was pulled off his hip and sat on the thin credenza that decorated underneath the hat rack.
"You feel better after your shower?" James's hair was still wet, but he looked and felt calmer. Less like he was going to angrily vibrate out of his skin - the question was more an opportunity to see How James was. How the rest of this conversation might be headed, for better or worse.
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The loaded question of if he was feeling better wasn't one he felt he could answer so he avoids it instead.
"How much have you had to drink?" Curious, but almost a little judging, like a housewife questioning her drunk husband who's just wandered in too late while she sat up waiting for him.
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"A few. Enough." Enough to numb some of the shit stirring around his chest. Enough to make his accent a little heavier and thicker around the edges.
Raylan comes around and sits next to him on the couch, leaving enough room where they didn't touch but not far away at all. He didn't want distance to be the reason that they got off on the wrong foot.
"Your turn."
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"Enough for what, exactly?" Oh no. Not his turn.
"Do you think I'm angry with you?" Other than giving a damn about his partner's well-being, he's wondering if Raylan wants to know if he 'feels better' because of worrying about how much of those uncomfortable feelings were angled at him.
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"No, I don't. But I do think you're angry and in some spots, rightly so. You've got some valid points. My disagreein' with one isn't me disagreein' with the whole lot or callin' you a fool. I went and had enough to drink that I don't feel like shit for tryin' to have reasonable conversations today."
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"Why did you feel you needed to leave?" All of these questions are spoken calmly and not from a judging or accusing place. It's not meant to be a fight, he's genuinely asking to try and figure out what is going through Raylan's head about all of this.
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"I never said you thought those things, I just wasn't in a place where I could handle it if you did. And my frustration and anger was never angled at you but I was being open and honest with you about what I was thinking and feeling in the moment." And he couldn't seem to handle it and he needed to walk away and it hurt.
"You asked me if I feel better? I don't have an answer for you because it's much deeper and more complicated than that. I'm fine, I'm... numb. I'm done wasting my time on anyone else but us. Fuck'em. I just don't have it in me anymore to fight. I'm not that man anymore." He doesn't really know who he is yet, he hasn't fully reinvented himself. He was hoping to find inspiration in Meditations but just ended up...numb.
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He wasn't going to point out what he could have. The sneer, the insinuation that Raylan didn't understand the hierarchy of discipline, the implication that he was somehow pissing on James's community building desires. It wouldn't do anything but prompt more argument.
"You're right about the amount of people that die here. There's a conversation to be had in that. And we should be tryin' to make this place better. You don't gotta be Flint to do that."
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There's a soft slow inhale and a breath, seeing the hurt, hearing the way that Raylan shrunk and recoiled or seemed... afraid? Cautious? He wasn't sure. Like an abused puppy, trying to be small and not get hit. He didn't like that he was doing this to Raylan, making him react that way when they were just trying to talk.
"A lot of my bite came from all the responses I had about the same topics, it put me on a knee-jerk defensive. I... I wasn't trying to take it out on you, I'm sorry." He wants to touch him, but he's afraid he'll pull away if he tries.
"All I got from any of my discussions was how wrong I was, how I didn't know anything or my own faults being lashed back in my face. I realized I've wasted my breath."
"I just, I'm tired, Raylan." He pauses, "Miranda once said to me, the first time I met her, she said, truly great men are made great because of their relentless pursuit of a better world, they never give up because they don't know how."
He casts his eyes down to his hands, "If there's a thing I've realized is I am just simply not a great man, or even really a good one. Perhaps I was never meant to be. It's not for me, every time I've tried it's broken me. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of wasting what precious little I have left on trying to improve things for everyone else. Especially for people that don't care enough to help themselves."
This time he can't help himself, he reaches for Raylan's hand, "I have all I need here, right here." He squeezes his hand for emphasis. "I just want to focus on this, on us."
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He didn't. He felt like James wasn't done and didn't want to get in the way of the flow.
But his eyes studied James's face while it was turned towards him, his profile when it wasn't. He wanted to interrupt, to protest James's self view but that having air was important too. There was no hesitation in the way Raylan's hand gripped James in return, tight and desperate to hold onto that plainly stated dedication.Â
"There's a reason I don't ever talk to the press," he says after a few long moments, eyes still on the side of James's face, before he drops his eyes to their hands as his thumb brushed back and forth.
"Lotta people hear what they want, focus on that with some hellish blinders. Miranda's view of it all is all well and good but.. Left of incorrect, in my opinion. Because you are a good man. You wouldn't give a shit in the first place if you weren't. There's nothin' wrong with stepping back until you feel.. better equipped to handle those kinda arguments. There's an innate bias against Inmates makin' those kinds of speeches in the first place which- That really ain't about you or what you've done, but an issue with the whole place. Fuck 'em if they can't see the rest of the conversation but.. I got no doubts you'll do this again. There's a reason you're drawn to it, baby. A good reason."
Raylan looks back over at him again. "I'll focus on whatever you want us to focus on, either way. You're not in this alone."
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"I don't think these things, the ideas can come from me. I don't have enough sway or respect for anyone to hear me. I've done nothing to earn it." Except for the few that respected him for what he did on the Galley but even then...
"I know I'm not the only one who has tried or the only one who thinks what I have said but when it came down to it... all I heard are the echoing voices of opposition and accusation." He lifts Raylan's hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles.
"I just want peace in the end. I want to feel less useless to protect what I care about." He flicks his eye up to Raylan.
"And perhaps both of us should do better with communicating with one another."
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"Maybe not right now. But we got nothin' but time, and all situations change. You'll find a more successful way to make the argument. Find folks willin' to join you on that side of it. Willing to have the debate in good faith. I'm just afraid it's gonna take another Barge wide attack of some kind. We've had a few good ones. A 'healthy' one, I suppose we could call those weird ass wounds. Kinda worried we're due another ugly one just to even it all out..
He looks over then.
"I've been.. trying to shield you from my bullshit. Better to see if I can get away with it without you findin' out and losin' your mind in rage or worry. There's-" He takes a deep breath, searching his lovers face. "There's gonna be times and places for us to protect each other, but me goin' out with my temper under me isn't somethin' that.. that needs protectin' from. I haven't lost my temper like that more than a few times here. It's not pretty.. And its the only time a little bit of who and what I really am gets to take a breath.. I'm a Marshal for a reason.. My file's as big as it is for a reason. The system protects me in the long run and if I die again, it's gonna be because I've gotten slow, possessed, or out-thought. I'm not scared of it, dyin'. And I think you are."
It was understandable, but James wanted raw honesty and Raylan trusted him enough to try it out. Communication, right?
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He frowns, brow furrowed as he stares at their hands. "I don't fear death for myself. I do fear that there are limits to bringing you back. That something might happen to fuck it all up. What if you don't come back?"
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"I coulda shot Izzy. For havin' his blade against my throat. But I didn't, because of Willa. You-" He stops and licks his lips.
"You're used to having people. Having people watch your back and help you. The navy, your crew, Miranda. I've lived my entire life relying on myself alone. The Marshal's service will come in now and then but largely.. I've learned how to do it, how to keep myself out of the worst of trouble, and believe it or not, I'm good at it. Gotten myself outta more dangerous situations than the Barge has put us in with no mechanic to lean back on to bring me back to life.. That experience, those skills, have to matter otherwise what- I've just been lucky my whole life?" He shakes his head a little.
"Feels dismissive to categorize it like that. And I know, just because I've been doin' it on my own my whole live doesn't mean that I can't share any of it but--" He sighs out, jaw tensing a little. "I keep it in line for so long. It feels like a primal right to be able to have that emotion now and then without gettin' shit on for feeling a Thing. I can handle everyone else havin' an opinion on it. Their opinion doesn't matter. But I can't share my temper like that. If I need help, when I need help, I promise I will say somethin' to you. But when I don't, when I just want to go and do my job for a few minutes, the way I've been doing it for over twenty years.."
"You know that's why Winona left me, right? Because I was dedicated to my job and doin' it the way I've always been doin' it. She got tired of bein' worried about if I was gonna come home. I don't blame her but.. I always came home."
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"And just because you've been so self-sufficient all your life doesn't mean you always have to be. You have me. I want you to be able to rely on me. I'm not asking you to take me along on everything you do, I just... I just want to know about it. I just want you to be able to tell me when you're heading out to confront someone, or I don't know, I just want to know what you have a mind to do. I don't want you hiding anything from me. You need to trust me to trust you. Trust me that I'll listen to you when you say you'll handle something and not get in your way. And trust that I trust in you to take care and not do something stupid. At least then, I'll be here, waiting for you when you come home to welcome you with a drink or something to clean your wounds. Or I can be there when you call for me and want me by your side."
He shakes his head, "I just can't stand the fact that you feel like you need to hide anything from me. As if I can't handle your anger, after all the shit I've put you through. I just... I want to be here, I just want to know and be a part of it even if I'm not there with you on whatever mission you're on. Don't count me out so easily. I can handle it. I can handle you. All of you."
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Trust me that I'll listen to you when you say you'll handle something and not get in your way. And trust that I trust in you to take care and not do something stupid. That stuck out to him, struck a cord in him. That worry was another big reason that he wasn't overly inclined to open his mouth. Better to ask forgiveness than permission.
Raylan tightens their hands, staring at them as his lips tighten, working and then, letting go. James was asking for the ugliest side of him. All of him? Even he didn't want to handle all of himself. It was the Moon.
"Nothin' much good about all of me," he says quietly, before inhaling and looking over. "But all I can promise to do is try. I want to trust you like that." Even if nothing in his genetic code suggested he should. The last two times he had found out anything, James had lost it. Earned a shadow, blew up the network. But he honestly believed what James was saying. He had to hope James believed it too. That he could have that control.
"And I understand that if I want you to trust me the same way, I have to. And I do want that. Behind my own door is the only place I have to.. feel.. I dunno, secure enough to say half the shit I do anyway." His real, raw opinions. "Everyone out there.."
He shook his head a little, eyebrows lifting as he lifts his free hand to scrub at his face. "You weren't alone in havin' hard and or frustratin' conversations today, I'll say that."
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"Nothing much good about all of me either, but that's not the point, is it? We love and support each other anyway, through thick and thin, through the best and the worst parts. The point is we stay and we endure and we heal each other no matter what." He reaches out with his free hand to cup his face and brushes his thumb over his cheek.
"I'm not Winona or Tim, I mean what I said, you have all of me, for as long as you'll have me, or want me to be here." He just hopes Raylan can give him every part of him eventually, even the ugly parts.
"I'll say it again and again, as many times as you need to hear it. I would love nothing more than for you to feel like you can trust me and give me the same. But I understand it's something that might take time. I'll be here and I want the chance to prove to you I will remain here no matter what. That you can trust me. That you can trust IN me." He leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.
He is trying desperately to control his temper and to give Raylan a reason to trust him. There are a lot of things they are learning and trying to correct in themselves together, after years of abuse and neglect and toxic, terrible situations. It'll take time, but he needs Raylan to know he's willing to see it all through and see every part of it.
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James was also clearing some easily assumable hurtles; Raylan would need to hear it again, would need it proven in reality before those deepest corners would consider that the universe would really give him that.
Raylan's lips purse in return, automatically kissing James back and following to capture his lips properly, in a firm but chaste kiss, a silent 'thank you' and 'I love you' all wrapped in one. Now would be a terrible time to purpose, wouldn't it? He didn't even have a ring.
"Starting today," he continues once it breaks. "More open communication. Because I never want you to leave darlin', that ones easy as breathing." He kisses James again before lifting their hands to kiss James's knuckles.
"Even if one of us has to step out to get a little drunk now and then."
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That would have to be one more thing they'd have to work on, the idea that Raylan is guarded because he assumes someone who loves him will only want to use his vulnerabilities to hurt him in some way. To build up black-mail, or whatever else. That toxic poison that Winona had put into him so deep in his veins that now he assumes it of everyone who loves him. Though he knows his father's abuse has some to do with it, there was a long, deep foundation built because of his Father, but Winona added a million blades and a thousand papercuts to an already painful trauma. Flint's slowly finding more, being allowed to see those hurts, but they run deep and it'll take time to break those poisonous quills from Raylan's skin. He's determined to find and heal every single one that he can. But he can't know about them without seeing it and putting together the pieces, or for Raylan to feel comfortable enough to admit it.
He kisses the other softly in return, feeling the warmth and press of those silent words. If Raylan had proposed to him he wouldn't have cared if there was a ring or not, they had their necklaces, and rings could come later. Those words are bouncing around behind his teeth and tongue. Perhaps it was too soon...
There's a nod of agreement and another gentle kiss, eye focused completely on Raylan. "Or get into a little fistfight, hm? As long as I know what to prepare for when you get back. I want to be here to give you whatever you'll need."
He just wants to be informed and present and prepared.
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