I mean, you keep givin' away your rewards for your efforts. They're gettin' not only their life back but also a free genie wish that they didn't put the effort or sufferin' in for themselves, that's all.
“They’re the ones that put all the hard effort in,” Malcolm tells him. “They have to reflect and they have to change or they’re stuck here forever. We don’t have to change and we can be free of it any time we want. I know a lot of Wardens are doing this for the Deal and I don’t begrudge them that, but I came here for this. To help,” Malcolm explains.
Raylan shakes his head. "So we're not doin' anythin'? You can't say helpin' is valuable and then not assign any value to it for yourself. Helpin' is work. Or at least it is for the rest of us." Raylan's sacrifices couldn't be downplayed like that; he refused to accept that view.
“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying its inherent value is enough for me, specifically. I don’t think less of Wardens that take their deal. That was the deal they signed up for, as it were. Francis used his to save all the men who died under his command. Now he doesn’t have to carry that burden. I’m happy for him. And you’re using yours to be a good father. I don’t think the value of that can be understated. But I don’t need it. I don’t have anything back there. Maybe one day I’ll keep one, but… I don’t need one right now.”
"It doesn't have to be for back there. That's the thing - you could go to any world you want, likely any version, you could have whatever kind of life that you want with whoever you want." He wasn't trying to push Malcolm, he respected Malcolm's choices whatever they were, but he didn't want to be misunderstood as misunderstanding.
"I hope you do keep one, one day. I hope you find somethin' that you care enough about or want enough for to take it."
"When Will earn- Is he planning on staying as a Warden? I don't- I'm sorry, I don't get it. Why not use one of yours to do the same thing once he graduates? Why wait for him to go through the Wardening process?"
"Timeless and sometimes hellish and traumatic, where either of you could-" He had gotten a little too animated with his surprise, his subtle indignation that he didn't realize was spurred up and it was all cut short as Raylan looks away from the screen and bites down on his words, jaw working. No, he knew why that was his reaction. Fresh wounds.
"Okay," he repeats, visibly calming himself down with a breath and a brief moment of closing his eyes as he tries to cover it with a scratch to the inner top part of his nose/eye area.
"I'm happy you got plans figured out." And he was. He meant that. He just wished Malcolm would get to his happiness before he had to deal with what Raylan was. Like he could save Malcolm from it by convincing him of taking advantage of the now.
"No, Malcolm, I- look, it doesn't matter what I think. Y'all are going to do what's best for you. As it should be. I just hope y'all make that decision before it's made for you is all."
"No, he- He left on his own. I just didn't get a say in anythin'. It-" He lets out a breath, jaw working again but this time for a raw emotion instead of the anger that usually spurs it. "Just wasn't enough here worth stayin' for, for him, I guess."
Which felt like it proved that Raylan wasn't enough. That Raylan wasn't ever going to BE enough.
It was all such a larger conversation than just that. Easier said than done. He swallows thickly, and hums a note, nodding faintly like it was something he'd heard properly and would consider. He wouldn't. Not today. Not this week.
It was too soon. He'd implode.
It was the second time he'd been told he deserved better.
"Yeah. Yeah, thanks Malcolm. Look, I, uh. I gotta go, I'm late for feedin' the birds and I don't think they've forgiven me yet for havin' abandoned them for four days."
"No, I'll-" He goes to set it down, stops. Empties it down his throat and then sets it down. "Thanks for the coffee, little brother, and tryin' your best. I'll see ya later."
He had tried. He'd left his cabin, he had come out for quality conversation. That counted, right? He just couldn't do human anymore.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
Goin' for Saint of the year, huh?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
"I hope you do keep one, one day. I hope you find somethin' that you care enough about or want enough for to take it."
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
"I'm happy you got plans figured out." And he was. He meant that. He just wished Malcolm would get to his happiness before he had to deal with what Raylan was. Like he could save Malcolm from it by convincing him of taking advantage of the now.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Which felt like it proved that Raylan wasn't enough. That Raylan wasn't ever going to BE enough.
no subject
no subject
It was too soon. He'd implode.
It was the second time he'd been told he deserved better.
"Yeah. Yeah, thanks Malcolm. Look, I, uh. I gotta go, I'm late for feedin' the birds and I don't think they've forgiven me yet for havin' abandoned them for four days."
no subject
"Oh. Right. Well. You can take the coffee cup. I have lots of them."
no subject
He had tried. He'd left his cabin, he had come out for quality conversation. That counted, right? He just couldn't do human anymore.