"Bet you'd be madder if I'd shot him." Which was to say, Raylan did the bare minimum and not particularly effectively without that kind of action. "But I've already talked to Kiryu. Everythin's fine."
As he keeps saying, like that resolved everything neatly with a bow on top.
"What do you think about James's post, his suggestion about group voices in individual punishment?
Raylan's head tilts slightly, eyes narrowing slightly himself. He wasn't anywhere near defensive, but he feels he's handled the questions rather well so far. He wasn't an inmate, Jedao wasn't his Warden, nor his superior - why was he being questioned like those things weren't true?
"Why's that important to your uncomfortable conversation?"
Jedao stares at him for a moment, then drags a hand over his face, muttering with some feeling, "Fox and hound," in about the same tone that an American might say fucking christ.
Why is that important. He drops his hand and stares out at that startling supergiant-blue sky.
"Bluntly, I'm trying to figure out if you're a colleague I can work with, or an obstacle I have to work around. As far as I can tell, you wanted to either punish or intimidate someone you've told me only responds to insults to his pride with more violence. You decided to make it immediately and unquestionably a physical confrontation by bringing a weapon you couldn't even conceal. You did all this while knowing that he knows that you are bound by much stricter rules of engagement than he is - namely, that he can afford to kill you, but you can't afford to kill him. Which puts you at a startling disadvantage on the ground you chose."
He takes another deep breath.
"Now, if this was all a mistake of blunt, protective rage and you know it, then you're unreliable but at least understandable. If you thought it out and justified it to yourself and still think you had a chance of achieving something and you only failed in terms of professional courtesy, then - I guess I can stop bothering you."
"I gotta say, while I'm not surprised at the real question under there - 'Am I angry or stupid' - I'm a little disappointed in that characterization, like we didn't spend what, three and a half weeks?, giving James a double shadow. Or bringing him home after the Clipper and Galley slaughter. Would have thought I'd answered this question already."
He shifts, leg falling so he could reach into his back pocket and fetch his flask before he turns into the table, in to face Jedao a little more directly, body leaning into the chair back. Jedao didn't know it, but a Southern Porch wasn't just any old Familiar place - it was where shit was settled and sorted, where real talks were had, where that messy bit called life tended to happen.
"But we're overdue for a frank discussion anyway. We almost had one last time. So fine. Let me expand on all that for you. Yes, I used violence against someone I know responds with more violence because that's a very real language that he understands. Izzy doesn't want the trouble that comes with killin' me, and with a blade at my neck, I still woulda got him if I thought he had any intent of followin' through. He wasn't gonna kill me. And I didn't kill him. That's fair trade. So disadvantage? Not so much."
He spins open the top of his flask as he speaks, offering it out to Jedao first. If he didn't take it though, Raylan planned on taking a shot anyway, teeth bearing as he swallowed it down.
"My bat wasn't meant to be concealed. I only draw my gun when I mean to put a man down, and that's an escalation that no one needed. Even my temper tries to stay measured when it lashes out. Appropriate to the situation. And I'll take a lotta shit. But Izzy had already done too much, and we needed to have a conversation." It had to be, by design.
"I achieved what I needed to. Not my place to punish and you don't just intimidate a man like Izzy Hands. Life's been doin' that for a while. But to let him know there are repercussions that he is familiar with here when shits taken to far. Now, you're free to disagree with that. I'm sure Kiryu would join you and I admit that it wasn't the best choice I've made here in my year of servitude. But if all it takes is a bad emotional decision to put us back at square one, considering our situations, I'd prefer to know that sooner rather than later."
On the long and lengthening list of things Jedao is mad about, the alcohol is certainly the pettiest. Because he likes liquor - it's the only thing he's ever eaten or drunk that he actually liked - but sharing a cup is for comrades, so he has to decline. He shakes his head briskly, once.
"If it was one bad decision, we'd be fine. But you're not saying it was a bad emotional decision. You're saying you believe it was the correct decision, with imperfect execution. And now James thinks you're the fucking victim in all this."
"Which is somethin' I'll fix as soon as I talk to him. But no, I'm not sayin' that. Doesn't make it right but it's already done. You wanted an explanation and I achieved what me and my temper needed to. I'm not gonna fall over myself and breakdown into apologize to everyone who knows about it. I apologized to Kiryu. That's enough."
"I wish I believed you'll succeed." That Raylan will actually talk him out of his martyred mindset, which is only about 20% about Israel at all, as far as Jedao can tell. "I'd love to be wrong." But between James' stubbornness and how much Raylan actually agrees with him, Jedao doubts it.
"I don't want an apology. I want you to tell me you know it was a dumb thing to do. But either you don't believe that, or you sort of do but your ego won't let you say it, or you just don't want to say it to me because you think trying to hold my own temper is condescending to you, somehow. But the simplest explanation is the first. You keep saying all disappointed you thought I knew you better, like I'm not just believing what you tell me."
They weren't talking about Raylan's opinion on James's ideas; they were specifically talking about Raylan going after Izzy and no, he wasn't being as transparent and vulnerable with Jedao about his inner workings. Everything in his self protective system only pointed at that as proof as to why he was smart to do so. Those processes were a privileges, not a right.
"That sounds an awful lot like an apology to me. Prostration. It just doesn't bother me like it seems to bother you, or Kiryu, for a matter of fact. Especially since everyone is perfectly fine. I know this ain't the US legal system here, but neither of us have complained, so outside the fact that I've proven I'm willin' to admit when I was wrong, I'm not quite sure what the real issue is here. I haven't done a single questionable thing here-"
Outside of drunkenly fighting Sweeney a time or two. And the ethics around his relationship with James, but Jedao at least, couldn't pin him on that one. Not with Gonou in the picture.
"-For a year. A year," he continues, casualness slipping off in the sentence before, the rest chillier and firmer. "I had to sew Roman back together, talk his ass into the infirmary and then do something about it. The actual attack on Izzy ain't shit. He's an arrogant prick, asking for the same kinda lessons he's handing out. I didn't shove my bat into his throat because he stabbed Roman-" though that's why he was there, to threaten, to test the waters and reaction. "-I did it because for all his crowin' about people respecting other assholes, just like him, there's shit I don't take kindly to. He ran his mouth. My judgement lapsed."
Jedao has heard them say this is the only language he understands in almost the exact same words in the space of a few hours; it's not Raylan commenting on Flint's proposal, but it is the two of them sharing a very particular perspective.
Something in Jedao goes very quiet, and very still. He looks back at that bewildering terrestrial sky. It's so - flat isn't the word, exactly, compared to the depth of black. So opaque.
"My little brother was murdered three days ago," he says in a quiet, very even tone, almost contemplative. "I can't even tell him I love him, because he thinks emotions are weaknesses, we're just allies of convenience, whatever. But he's the only family I've ever had who wasn't an utter blood pyschopath. I have more memories from that breach than from my whole life before the barge. So he's my little brother to me. So please believe me when I say that I understand wanting to take someone's liver out with my teeth until they learn not to touch my people."
He wants that foxfucking drink.
"And I understand being frustrated with this place. I don't think this ended terribly - although I don't think it's actually ended yet. But I've told you I'm not holding James' threats against you, and I need to hold myself to that. I do think it was a gamble. I'll admit you had more knowledge of Mister Hands than anyone has on our newest asshole, but it was still a gamble. You didn't take the gun but that just means the choice to escalate fell to him, and you're lucky he didn't take the bait. Part of you, I think, wanted him to give you an excuse. Perhaps that's uncharitable. Even if it's true, I would hate to be judged on worst corners of my heart."
He turns and looks back at Raylan, held tilted. "Do you really not see any daylight between simply admitting a mistake and groveling to me? I've made so many worse mistakes. I hope not to make them again. Isn't that what we're all doing here?"
For all the subtle miscommunication between James's ideas posed in his post and the lanes where the Marshal agreed with him about the way of the world, the one thing that Jedao was right about without question was that last bit. It was part of how Raylan functioned in his job as a Marshal. He drew the lines and let other people cross them. It justified most any action he would take in response.
He wasn't going to argue or confirm that, either way.
"Not much when I've made that admittance and it hasn't been accepted because it wasn't straightforward enough for your tastes. Not when everything I am is apparently being held against it like this is going to define me for the rest of my years here and everythin' I've already done. This is not so much an uncomfortable conversation as one that has me feeling like I've been summoned to the Principal's office. I'm sorry about your brother-" Of course.
"-And I'm glad to hear you understand the urge. What I don't understand is why you're choosing to call me a colleague and then dressin' me down when you don't like the depth of information. The long and short of it Jedao, I don't have to explain myself to you and so far, you've given me no reason to explain myself anymore than I already have. Friends admit that they did dumb shit to each other. Colleagues don't, unless they're on good terms and I'm getting the very distinct sense that we are not." He lifts a hand, lazy fingers pointing slightly before they fall.
"What I will say is that I can apologize for getting James riled up. I understand that's a problem for you. But like I said, he didn't talk to me about those opinions, or blasting Kiryu or anything else that he said there. I couldn't stop him outside of not having done it to begin with and that's not a very productive to this whole conversation."
"If you don't admit your fuckups to your colleagues, I don't understand why they'd trust you. But I've never had colleagues in situations that weren't life and death. And I've never had friends, until I came here. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. But I do value straightforwardness. I thought you did too."
Jedao wonders if Raylan even sees it, how much he clearly wants Jedao to grovel for the terrible crime of failing to manage Raylan's ego. It's enough dealing with Flint's, and he still has to talk to Kiryu, and probably Izzy after that. He's already so tired of Earth men.
"The terms we're on, Raylan, is that I did give you the benefit the benefit of the doubt. I came to get your side of it instead of making assumptions. We're certainly not on the terms where I feel confident in my ability to read your mind and best intentions. But according to you, letting you speak for yourself and not immediately agreeing is me not having enough faith in you. Me asking direct questions would have been that and me interrogating you like a suspect. Me being tired and blunt and worried is me not being trustworthy or friendly enough for you to explain shit to and summoning you to the principle's office. What exactly did you want me to do, Raylan?"
He'd already admitted it in this conversation. Why did that not count towards the argument? If he wanted to be a bitch about it, he'd say fine and go off on a small tangent in that direction. But he was being straight forward; none of this was a dance. The root of it was some kind of respect. Even professional respect did the trick.
"No. You told me that I was one of two things, instead of dippin' into your newfound pot of understandin'. I can see you're tired and I've already embraced the bluntness, but if there's any worry in there, its for yourself or James. Which is fine; as it should be maybe. But you don't just disagree, you look down your nose at it, and you don't trust me. Haven't, even before this business. I don't know if its my relationship to James or if it gets in your way, but there's somethin' there." He was starting to think it was personal.
Which was also fine, but Raylan was the kind of man that gave what he got. His tone hadn't even much raised outside of briefly before in the conversation. They could have been talking about the weather. This wasn't about his ego. This was about the reality of their skeleton relationship.
"So now that we've sorted that out, you mind answerin' the one question that I asked you at the start of all this?"
The problem is that the only thing that actually worries Jedao is the one he's defended most. Well - one of the problems.
"I was certainly hoping it was the first option." Of the two. "And no, it's not sorted, because for someone who thinks I ought to know you better, you don't know me at all. You think I haven't ever trusted you?"
He shakes his head, swallows, struggling with one part bitterness to four parts kneejerk instinct, things you aren't supposed to explain. Not if you're Shuos.
"Raylan, if I didn't trust you, this conversation would not have happened. If I didn't trust you, then you would not have heard shit from me except full-throated sympathy and support. Of course Kiryu should already know his inmate has had two altercations, that's his job. Of course you had to protect Roman, but just tell me a little more about how exactly it happened? I came to you and let you see my real objections, my real frustration, my real criticism, because in my world, that's respect and trust. That's more trust than I'm supposed to extend to anyone I don't know better than my own child. Every Shuos that exists would be ashamed of me for trusting you this much, and it's skullfucking embarrassing that you're throwing it in my face this badly."
It's also embarrassing because Jedao really should have known better. Raylan is a cop, which means he's basically Rahal. Wolves don't understand Shuos respect. Wolves understand deference for their power. But he wasn't thinking of Raylan as a Rahal. He was worried - yes, about James - and frustrated and Jedao just - trusted him.
"And I don't have a problem with your relationship with James. I don't always understand it, but I think it's great. Whoever made you defensive about that, it sure as fuck was not me."
He pulls a deck of cards out of his pocket and shuffles idly before flipping one card over. The card is an Eight of Gears. He tucks it back in the deck.
"If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't answer this honestly, either. Maybe it's a mistake, but I might as well be folded for stars as for sparks. I think James's proposal is a great solution for a very different problem than the one he actually has. And I think he's going to keep getting himself frustrated and hurt if he keeps trying to combine his temper and his genuine talent for community building, because he wants to be able to have both, but people are always going to see the latter when he wants them to only see the former. But the genuine grievances are genuine, and the ways they're intractible - which isn't all ways - don't make them any less genuine. I don't know how to give him what he deserves and what he needs. I think I'm failing him, and I'm terrified. Does that answer your question?"
That was several more fucks the he was used to hearing from the man. Which was, surprisingly, a good thing. The matter of fact 'principal' airs that had gotten Raylan's neck hairs up eased and Raylan felt like he was finally starting to see a sliver of who Jedao actually was. It was a good first step.
Even if he didn't really understand a Shuo was.
He gave Jedao's statement, and the man, a few seconds to breathe before he responds. He wasn't an unreasonable man, or an ignorant one. Not one to say that America or Earth or its way was the best because he very much doubted that was the case. Not one to dig his heels in so far that he's incapable of considering adjusting his perspective and trying again. A little honesty about how one was feeling went a long way.
"Kiryu wouldn'a known unless he'd shadowed Izzy. He didn't know about Roman because I didn't tell him, and what I was doin' wasn't really protectin'. I could shuffle the view, argue that long term, that was it's goal. But it wasn't. Roman deserved a lesson. The hard bite of reality. Izzy took it too far. He crossed a line." So Raylan crossed it back to meet him because Roman sure as shit didn't know about any of that way of understanding.
What was with the card? Tarot maybe? That kind of spiritual fanaticism seemed ill-fitting, but it was the only thing he could think of.
"That shifts the foundations of James's argument automatically, Kiryu's knowledge aside. I was not attacked, I am not a victim. We were both aggressors in our way. I want to work with you around his issues. Not make it harder. I already know he might not believe it from you but he will from me. He needs both of us and this wardenin' job ain't for wimps."
His pride aside, his desire to help get James to the realizations that would lead him towards graduation were real. He could be trusted with that end of the proverbial couch, without question.
"I think bein' scared about doin' it well means we're doin' alright."
Jedao makes a soft huffing breath. "As much as I appreciate that an overconfident warden would certainly be more prone to certain grave errors, sometimes people are afraid of failure because the thing they are attempting is just actually above their ability level."
He closes his eyes and tilts his head back.
"I would guess, where you're from, that you are more-or-less successful in your chosen vocation. I -" His voice breaks, just for a moment, then steadies. "I won a war, and lost everything else. I wasn't overconfident. I was shit scared the whole time. Sometimes you can just really be in over your head. Sometimes you know it, and you try your very hardest and get help you never expected and still fuck it up and destroy truly irreparable things."
He opens his eyes, shuffles the deck, pulls out a new card. The card has the look of Major Arcana, no suit, just a figure in grey robes and bronze glasses, a wolf silhouette behind them, with the card upside down. Jedao snorts and returns it to the deck.
"Which isn't to say I really believe this is the same situation. I'm not in over my head, not in the same way. But awareness of the possibility of failure is no reliable prophylactic."
Tragically, Raylan, he just talks like this sometimes. It comes of reading too many legal treatises.
"All of which is to say, I'm not a child, and you don't have to comfort me. You asked for trust, and I gave it to you, that's all. But I am - uncertain, and I am still going to fret."
He tucks the cards away again into a pocket.
"Can I ask what you want from me? Besides cursing, apparently."
People are afraid of failure because the thing they are attempting is just actually above their ability level. That might well be true, but Raylan didn't think it applied to him, James, or Jedao. On top of that, there was very few people Raylan comforted, and now was no different. It wasn't offered as comfort. It was offered as his opinion on it. If Jedao found it to be 'comforting', it was purely outside of design.
"Outside'a knowing what the hell is with your cards, nothin' more than helpin' you get James graduated." And the aforementioned general respect that they'd already sorted out.
"And I am successful, by and large, but that doesn't mean I haven't caught a few bullets on the way. I did a lot of failin' along the way." He wasn't stupid enough to think that anything he experienced in Harlan got up to 'war zone' levels, but he had been in South American jungle in gang war zones. That counted, right?
"But I have to have faith in him that he can learn some very real lessons, and faith in you that you're stubborn enough to handle him. I want to help in that. For everyone's sake, and it ain't about comfort, it's about tenacity."
"Oh, the cards are just my item. They get snarky about him, sometimes," Jedao explains idly. He pulls another card, and it's some kind of face card, although the person depicted doesn't wear a crow. The suit is roses; they're blue. This one, too, is upside down.
"Or maybe they're teasing me for being compulsive," Jedao adds dourly. He shuffles once and tucks them back into a pocket.
"Ah," he sounds quietly, nodding faintly at the answer. He was never much into that kind of mysticism, but to each their own. He had questions, of course, but now wasn't the time for them.
"Of course I have. For most of my formative life and far too frequently here." Between making sure Roman was okay and making sure that James was okay, Raylan had already had something of a small breakdown that was had behind the security of his own cabin door.
"But I'm guessin' you're asking to make a point." In a way of asking what that point was - he doubted Jedao wanted him to lay it all out for him and Raylan wasn't the kind of man to look for sympathy.
Jedao frowns a little, a miniscule furrow between his eyebrows, like he's trying to work out a puzzle. He assumes everything James says to him in private, especially about emotions, is effectively in confidence, and Jedao is unwilling to betray that confidence, even if the odds that Raylan has already heard some version of the same feelings are excellent. Sometimes you don't want your partner to see every fear and insecurity, even if you trust them, and that's not Jedao's to choose or guess.
"I'm trying to get a different perspective on things. One that's closer to James's reactions than mine, maybe."
That was a surprise. Raylan hummed a note and shifted, straightening in his chair to stare out over the field as he considers that answer. A different perspective, Raylan had, but they were brutal and ugly in the way they were gotten.
"It's.. Hard. To stand by and watch people you care about gettin' hurt without doin' anything. The common sense argument might be 'What good will it do, what does it solve, what does it actually get you' but in the moment - It'll do a lotta good, it goes a little way towards solving the hurricane in a man's chest, and it gets him blood. I know that the idea of 'Their Language' is hard for.. more liberal minded people to accept - Peace is always an option, use your words not your fists, love not war, that kinda shit - But that doesn't change the reality of there bein' a lot more men like him and I out there than not. I grew up in a place where things were controlled by fear and I know it wasn't healthy, but that's the way of the world. Civility is great and all, but when you get down to brass tacks, there's only so far you can go with bullheaded people that only know one way of the world."
He pulls his flask back out and unscrews the top in one swift motion.
"The view you're lookin' at, by the way, is one of the hollers in Harlan County, Kentucky. My father was a big player in the criminal element and he used to beat my mother and me... Arlo always made the house feel like a tornado was stormin' in the living room.. I won't give you any of the messy details but.. Somewhere along the way, I learned that peaceful hopes don't stop an angry man. Doesn't matter much what he's actually angry about." It was capped off with a swig from his little bottle to wash the words down.
"In this last breach," Jedao says quietly, "I beat my father to death with a solid sapphire paperweight. Which was actually...so much easier than that man's assassination in real life, which took months of planning, while living under this thumb and doing his war crimes to avoid arousing his suspicion, multiple branches of higher mathematics, and the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of good soldiers. If you think I believe that peace is always an option, Raylan Givens, then you have very seriously mistaken me."
He holds his hand out for the flask; his face is utterly blank.
His eyebrows bob at that opener - hellva way to start kid, that was impressive.
The flask was handed over.
"I put my father in prison. Three different times. Why'd you wanna kill yours?"
His tone was too casual for the conversation, emotions half checked at the door because it was safer that way. Easier to talk about these things with more than a few long lengths.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"Bet you'd be madder if I'd shot him." Which was to say, Raylan did the bare minimum and not particularly effectively without that kind of action. "But I've already talked to Kiryu. Everythin's fine."
As he keeps saying, like that resolved everything neatly with a bow on top.
"What do you think about James's post, his suggestion about group voices in individual punishment?
no subject
“Why don’t you tell me what part you think was a lapse in judgement.”
no subject
"Not talking to Kiryu about his inmate first." Some things were easier to admit than others. "But that's between me and him."
He looks over again, calmly waiting for either the next question or the answer to the one he'd asked.
no subject
"What was your actual objective in that confrontation?"
no subject
"Why's that important to your uncomfortable conversation?"
no subject
Why is that important. He drops his hand and stares out at that startling supergiant-blue sky.
"Bluntly, I'm trying to figure out if you're a colleague I can work with, or an obstacle I have to work around. As far as I can tell, you wanted to either punish or intimidate someone you've told me only responds to insults to his pride with more violence. You decided to make it immediately and unquestionably a physical confrontation by bringing a weapon you couldn't even conceal. You did all this while knowing that he knows that you are bound by much stricter rules of engagement than he is - namely, that he can afford to kill you, but you can't afford to kill him. Which puts you at a startling disadvantage on the ground you chose."
He takes another deep breath.
"Now, if this was all a mistake of blunt, protective rage and you know it, then you're unreliable but at least understandable. If you thought it out and justified it to yourself and still think you had a chance of achieving something and you only failed in terms of professional courtesy, then - I guess I can stop bothering you."
no subject
He shifts, leg falling so he could reach into his back pocket and fetch his flask before he turns into the table, in to face Jedao a little more directly, body leaning into the chair back. Jedao didn't know it, but a Southern Porch wasn't just any old Familiar place - it was where shit was settled and sorted, where real talks were had, where that messy bit called life tended to happen.
"But we're overdue for a frank discussion anyway. We almost had one last time. So fine. Let me expand on all that for you. Yes, I used violence against someone I know responds with more violence because that's a very real language that he understands. Izzy doesn't want the trouble that comes with killin' me, and with a blade at my neck, I still woulda got him if I thought he had any intent of followin' through. He wasn't gonna kill me. And I didn't kill him. That's fair trade. So disadvantage? Not so much."
He spins open the top of his flask as he speaks, offering it out to Jedao first. If he didn't take it though, Raylan planned on taking a shot anyway, teeth bearing as he swallowed it down.
"My bat wasn't meant to be concealed. I only draw my gun when I mean to put a man down, and that's an escalation that no one needed. Even my temper tries to stay measured when it lashes out. Appropriate to the situation. And I'll take a lotta shit. But Izzy had already done too much, and we needed to have a conversation." It had to be, by design.
"I achieved what I needed to. Not my place to punish and you don't just intimidate a man like Izzy Hands. Life's been doin' that for a while. But to let him know there are repercussions that he is familiar with here when shits taken to far. Now, you're free to disagree with that. I'm sure Kiryu would join you and I admit that it wasn't the best choice I've made here in my year of servitude. But if all it takes is a bad emotional decision to put us back at square one, considering our situations, I'd prefer to know that sooner rather than later."
no subject
"If it was one bad decision, we'd be fine. But you're not saying it was a bad emotional decision. You're saying you believe it was the correct decision, with imperfect execution. And now James thinks you're the fucking victim in all this."
no subject
Sure as shit not to Jedao, anyway.
no subject
"I don't want an apology. I want you to tell me you know it was a dumb thing to do. But either you don't believe that, or you sort of do but your ego won't let you say it, or you just don't want to say it to me because you think trying to hold my own temper is condescending to you, somehow. But the simplest explanation is the first. You keep saying all disappointed you thought I knew you better, like I'm not just believing what you tell me."
no subject
"That sounds an awful lot like an apology to me. Prostration. It just doesn't bother me like it seems to bother you, or Kiryu, for a matter of fact. Especially since everyone is perfectly fine. I know this ain't the US legal system here, but neither of us have complained, so outside the fact that I've proven I'm willin' to admit when I was wrong, I'm not quite sure what the real issue is here. I haven't done a single questionable thing here-"
Outside of drunkenly fighting Sweeney a time or two. And the ethics around his relationship with James, but Jedao at least, couldn't pin him on that one. Not with Gonou in the picture.
"-For a year. A year," he continues, casualness slipping off in the sentence before, the rest chillier and firmer. "I had to sew Roman back together, talk his ass into the infirmary and then do something about it. The actual attack on Izzy ain't shit. He's an arrogant prick, asking for the same kinda lessons he's handing out. I didn't shove my bat into his throat because he stabbed Roman-" though that's why he was there, to threaten, to test the waters and reaction. "-I did it because for all his crowin' about people respecting other assholes, just like him, there's shit I don't take kindly to. He ran his mouth. My judgement lapsed."
no subject
Something in Jedao goes very quiet, and very still. He looks back at that bewildering terrestrial sky. It's so - flat isn't the word, exactly, compared to the depth of black. So opaque.
"My little brother was murdered three days ago," he says in a quiet, very even tone, almost contemplative. "I can't even tell him I love him, because he thinks emotions are weaknesses, we're just allies of convenience, whatever. But he's the only family I've ever had who wasn't an utter blood pyschopath. I have more memories from that breach than from my whole life before the barge. So he's my little brother to me. So please believe me when I say that I understand wanting to take someone's liver out with my teeth until they learn not to touch my people."
He wants that foxfucking drink.
"And I understand being frustrated with this place. I don't think this ended terribly - although I don't think it's actually ended yet. But I've told you I'm not holding James' threats against you, and I need to hold myself to that. I do think it was a gamble. I'll admit you had more knowledge of Mister Hands than anyone has on our newest asshole, but it was still a gamble. You didn't take the gun but that just means the choice to escalate fell to him, and you're lucky he didn't take the bait. Part of you, I think, wanted him to give you an excuse. Perhaps that's uncharitable. Even if it's true, I would hate to be judged on worst corners of my heart."
He turns and looks back at Raylan, held tilted. "Do you really not see any daylight between simply admitting a mistake and groveling to me? I've made so many worse mistakes. I hope not to make them again. Isn't that what we're all doing here?"
no subject
He wasn't going to argue or confirm that, either way.
"Not much when I've made that admittance and it hasn't been accepted because it wasn't straightforward enough for your tastes. Not when everything I am is apparently being held against it like this is going to define me for the rest of my years here and everythin' I've already done. This is not so much an uncomfortable conversation as one that has me feeling like I've been summoned to the Principal's office. I'm sorry about your brother-" Of course.
"-And I'm glad to hear you understand the urge. What I don't understand is why you're choosing to call me a colleague and then dressin' me down when you don't like the depth of information. The long and short of it Jedao, I don't have to explain myself to you and so far, you've given me no reason to explain myself anymore than I already have. Friends admit that they did dumb shit to each other. Colleagues don't, unless they're on good terms and I'm getting the very distinct sense that we are not." He lifts a hand, lazy fingers pointing slightly before they fall.
"What I will say is that I can apologize for getting James riled up. I understand that's a problem for you. But like I said, he didn't talk to me about those opinions, or blasting Kiryu or anything else that he said there. I couldn't stop him outside of not having done it to begin with and that's not a very productive to this whole conversation."
no subject
Jedao wonders if Raylan even sees it, how much he clearly wants Jedao to grovel for the terrible crime of failing to manage Raylan's ego. It's enough dealing with Flint's, and he still has to talk to Kiryu, and probably Izzy after that. He's already so tired of Earth men.
"The terms we're on, Raylan, is that I did give you the benefit the benefit of the doubt. I came to get your side of it instead of making assumptions. We're certainly not on the terms where I feel confident in my ability to read your mind and best intentions. But according to you, letting you speak for yourself and not immediately agreeing is me not having enough faith in you. Me asking direct questions would have been that and me interrogating you like a suspect. Me being tired and blunt and worried is me not being trustworthy or friendly enough for you to explain shit to and summoning you to the principle's office. What exactly did you want me to do, Raylan?"
no subject
"No. You told me that I was one of two things, instead of dippin' into your newfound pot of understandin'. I can see you're tired and I've already embraced the bluntness, but if there's any worry in there, its for yourself or James. Which is fine; as it should be maybe. But you don't just disagree, you look down your nose at it, and you don't trust me. Haven't, even before this business. I don't know if its my relationship to James or if it gets in your way, but there's somethin' there." He was starting to think it was personal.
Which was also fine, but Raylan was the kind of man that gave what he got. His tone hadn't even much raised outside of briefly before in the conversation. They could have been talking about the weather. This wasn't about his ego. This was about the reality of their skeleton relationship.
"So now that we've sorted that out, you mind answerin' the one question that I asked you at the start of all this?"
no subject
"I was certainly hoping it was the first option." Of the two. "And no, it's not sorted, because for someone who thinks I ought to know you better, you don't know me at all. You think I haven't ever trusted you?"
He shakes his head, swallows, struggling with one part bitterness to four parts kneejerk instinct, things you aren't supposed to explain. Not if you're Shuos.
"Raylan, if I didn't trust you, this conversation would not have happened. If I didn't trust you, then you would not have heard shit from me except full-throated sympathy and support. Of course Kiryu should already know his inmate has had two altercations, that's his job. Of course you had to protect Roman, but just tell me a little more about how exactly it happened? I came to you and let you see my real objections, my real frustration, my real criticism, because in my world, that's respect and trust. That's more trust than I'm supposed to extend to anyone I don't know better than my own child. Every Shuos that exists would be ashamed of me for trusting you this much, and it's skullfucking embarrassing that you're throwing it in my face this badly."
It's also embarrassing because Jedao really should have known better. Raylan is a cop, which means he's basically Rahal. Wolves don't understand Shuos respect. Wolves understand deference for their power. But he wasn't thinking of Raylan as a Rahal. He was worried - yes, about James - and frustrated and Jedao just - trusted him.
"And I don't have a problem with your relationship with James. I don't always understand it, but I think it's great. Whoever made you defensive about that, it sure as fuck was not me."
He pulls a deck of cards out of his pocket and shuffles idly before flipping one card over. The card is an Eight of Gears. He tucks it back in the deck.
"If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't answer this honestly, either. Maybe it's a mistake, but I might as well be folded for stars as for sparks. I think James's proposal is a great solution for a very different problem than the one he actually has. And I think he's going to keep getting himself frustrated and hurt if he keeps trying to combine his temper and his genuine talent for community building, because he wants to be able to have both, but people are always going to see the latter when he wants them to only see the former. But the genuine grievances are genuine, and the ways they're intractible - which isn't all ways - don't make them any less genuine. I don't know how to give him what he deserves and what he needs. I think I'm failing him, and I'm terrified. Does that answer your question?"
no subject
Even if he didn't really understand a Shuo was.
He gave Jedao's statement, and the man, a few seconds to breathe before he responds. He wasn't an unreasonable man, or an ignorant one. Not one to say that America or Earth or its way was the best because he very much doubted that was the case. Not one to dig his heels in so far that he's incapable of considering adjusting his perspective and trying again. A little honesty about how one was feeling went a long way.
"Kiryu wouldn'a known unless he'd shadowed Izzy. He didn't know about Roman because I didn't tell him, and what I was doin' wasn't really protectin'. I could shuffle the view, argue that long term, that was it's goal. But it wasn't. Roman deserved a lesson. The hard bite of reality. Izzy took it too far. He crossed a line." So Raylan crossed it back to meet him because Roman sure as shit didn't know about any of that way of understanding.
What was with the card? Tarot maybe? That kind of spiritual fanaticism seemed ill-fitting, but it was the only thing he could think of.
"That shifts the foundations of James's argument automatically, Kiryu's knowledge aside. I was not attacked, I am not a victim. We were both aggressors in our way. I want to work with you around his issues. Not make it harder. I already know he might not believe it from you but he will from me. He needs both of us and this wardenin' job ain't for wimps."
His pride aside, his desire to help get James to the realizations that would lead him towards graduation were real. He could be trusted with that end of the proverbial couch, without question.
"I think bein' scared about doin' it well means we're doin' alright."
no subject
He closes his eyes and tilts his head back.
"I would guess, where you're from, that you are more-or-less successful in your chosen vocation. I -" His voice breaks, just for a moment, then steadies. "I won a war, and lost everything else. I wasn't overconfident. I was shit scared the whole time. Sometimes you can just really be in over your head. Sometimes you know it, and you try your very hardest and get help you never expected and still fuck it up and destroy truly irreparable things."
He opens his eyes, shuffles the deck, pulls out a new card. The card has the look of Major Arcana, no suit, just a figure in grey robes and bronze glasses, a wolf silhouette behind them, with the card upside down. Jedao snorts and returns it to the deck.
"Which isn't to say I really believe this is the same situation. I'm not in over my head, not in the same way. But awareness of the possibility of failure is no reliable prophylactic."
Tragically, Raylan, he just talks like this sometimes. It comes of reading too many legal treatises.
"All of which is to say, I'm not a child, and you don't have to comfort me. You asked for trust, and I gave it to you, that's all. But I am - uncertain, and I am still going to fret."
He tucks the cards away again into a pocket.
"Can I ask what you want from me? Besides cursing, apparently."
no subject
"Outside'a knowing what the hell is with your cards, nothin' more than helpin' you get James graduated." And the aforementioned general respect that they'd already sorted out.
"And I am successful, by and large, but that doesn't mean I haven't caught a few bullets on the way. I did a lot of failin' along the way." He wasn't stupid enough to think that anything he experienced in Harlan got up to 'war zone' levels, but he had been in South American jungle in gang war zones. That counted, right?
"But I have to have faith in him that he can learn some very real lessons, and faith in you that you're stubborn enough to handle him. I want to help in that. For everyone's sake, and it ain't about comfort, it's about tenacity."
no subject
"Or maybe they're teasing me for being compulsive," Jedao adds dourly. He shuffles once and tucks them back into a pocket.
"Have you ever felt helpless, Raylan?"
no subject
"Of course I have. For most of my formative life and far too frequently here." Between making sure Roman was okay and making sure that James was okay, Raylan had already had something of a small breakdown that was had behind the security of his own cabin door.
"But I'm guessin' you're asking to make a point." In a way of asking what that point was - he doubted Jedao wanted him to lay it all out for him and Raylan wasn't the kind of man to look for sympathy.
no subject
Jedao frowns a little, a miniscule furrow between his eyebrows, like he's trying to work out a puzzle. He assumes everything James says to him in private, especially about emotions, is effectively in confidence, and Jedao is unwilling to betray that confidence, even if the odds that Raylan has already heard some version of the same feelings are excellent. Sometimes you don't want your partner to see every fear and insecurity, even if you trust them, and that's not Jedao's to choose or guess.
"I'm trying to get a different perspective on things. One that's closer to James's reactions than mine, maybe."
no subject
"It's.. Hard. To stand by and watch people you care about gettin' hurt without doin' anything. The common sense argument might be 'What good will it do, what does it solve, what does it actually get you' but in the moment - It'll do a lotta good, it goes a little way towards solving the hurricane in a man's chest, and it gets him blood. I know that the idea of 'Their Language' is hard for.. more liberal minded people to accept - Peace is always an option, use your words not your fists, love not war, that kinda shit - But that doesn't change the reality of there bein' a lot more men like him and I out there than not. I grew up in a place where things were controlled by fear and I know it wasn't healthy, but that's the way of the world. Civility is great and all, but when you get down to brass tacks, there's only so far you can go with bullheaded people that only know one way of the world."
He pulls his flask back out and unscrews the top in one swift motion.
"The view you're lookin' at, by the way, is one of the hollers in Harlan County, Kentucky. My father was a big player in the criminal element and he used to beat my mother and me... Arlo always made the house feel like a tornado was stormin' in the living room.. I won't give you any of the messy details but.. Somewhere along the way, I learned that peaceful hopes don't stop an angry man. Doesn't matter much what he's actually angry about." It was capped off with a swig from his little bottle to wash the words down.
"I still own you onn'a those."
no subject
He holds his hand out for the flask; his face is utterly blank.
no subject
The flask was handed over.
"I put my father in prison. Three different times. Why'd you wanna kill yours?"
His tone was too casual for the conversation, emotions half checked at the door because it was safer that way. Easier to talk about these things with more than a few long lengths.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)