"If you don't admit your fuckups to your colleagues, I don't understand why they'd trust you. But I've never had colleagues in situations that weren't life and death. And I've never had friends, until I came here. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. But I do value straightforwardness. I thought you did too."
Jedao wonders if Raylan even sees it, how much he clearly wants Jedao to grovel for the terrible crime of failing to manage Raylan's ego. It's enough dealing with Flint's, and he still has to talk to Kiryu, and probably Izzy after that. He's already so tired of Earth men.
"The terms we're on, Raylan, is that I did give you the benefit the benefit of the doubt. I came to get your side of it instead of making assumptions. We're certainly not on the terms where I feel confident in my ability to read your mind and best intentions. But according to you, letting you speak for yourself and not immediately agreeing is me not having enough faith in you. Me asking direct questions would have been that and me interrogating you like a suspect. Me being tired and blunt and worried is me not being trustworthy or friendly enough for you to explain shit to and summoning you to the principle's office. What exactly did you want me to do, Raylan?"
He'd already admitted it in this conversation. Why did that not count towards the argument? If he wanted to be a bitch about it, he'd say fine and go off on a small tangent in that direction. But he was being straight forward; none of this was a dance. The root of it was some kind of respect. Even professional respect did the trick.
"No. You told me that I was one of two things, instead of dippin' into your newfound pot of understandin'. I can see you're tired and I've already embraced the bluntness, but if there's any worry in there, its for yourself or James. Which is fine; as it should be maybe. But you don't just disagree, you look down your nose at it, and you don't trust me. Haven't, even before this business. I don't know if its my relationship to James or if it gets in your way, but there's somethin' there." He was starting to think it was personal.
Which was also fine, but Raylan was the kind of man that gave what he got. His tone hadn't even much raised outside of briefly before in the conversation. They could have been talking about the weather. This wasn't about his ego. This was about the reality of their skeleton relationship.
"So now that we've sorted that out, you mind answerin' the one question that I asked you at the start of all this?"
The problem is that the only thing that actually worries Jedao is the one he's defended most. Well - one of the problems.
"I was certainly hoping it was the first option." Of the two. "And no, it's not sorted, because for someone who thinks I ought to know you better, you don't know me at all. You think I haven't ever trusted you?"
He shakes his head, swallows, struggling with one part bitterness to four parts kneejerk instinct, things you aren't supposed to explain. Not if you're Shuos.
"Raylan, if I didn't trust you, this conversation would not have happened. If I didn't trust you, then you would not have heard shit from me except full-throated sympathy and support. Of course Kiryu should already know his inmate has had two altercations, that's his job. Of course you had to protect Roman, but just tell me a little more about how exactly it happened? I came to you and let you see my real objections, my real frustration, my real criticism, because in my world, that's respect and trust. That's more trust than I'm supposed to extend to anyone I don't know better than my own child. Every Shuos that exists would be ashamed of me for trusting you this much, and it's skullfucking embarrassing that you're throwing it in my face this badly."
It's also embarrassing because Jedao really should have known better. Raylan is a cop, which means he's basically Rahal. Wolves don't understand Shuos respect. Wolves understand deference for their power. But he wasn't thinking of Raylan as a Rahal. He was worried - yes, about James - and frustrated and Jedao just - trusted him.
"And I don't have a problem with your relationship with James. I don't always understand it, but I think it's great. Whoever made you defensive about that, it sure as fuck was not me."
He pulls a deck of cards out of his pocket and shuffles idly before flipping one card over. The card is an Eight of Gears. He tucks it back in the deck.
"If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't answer this honestly, either. Maybe it's a mistake, but I might as well be folded for stars as for sparks. I think James's proposal is a great solution for a very different problem than the one he actually has. And I think he's going to keep getting himself frustrated and hurt if he keeps trying to combine his temper and his genuine talent for community building, because he wants to be able to have both, but people are always going to see the latter when he wants them to only see the former. But the genuine grievances are genuine, and the ways they're intractible - which isn't all ways - don't make them any less genuine. I don't know how to give him what he deserves and what he needs. I think I'm failing him, and I'm terrified. Does that answer your question?"
That was several more fucks the he was used to hearing from the man. Which was, surprisingly, a good thing. The matter of fact 'principal' airs that had gotten Raylan's neck hairs up eased and Raylan felt like he was finally starting to see a sliver of who Jedao actually was. It was a good first step.
Even if he didn't really understand a Shuo was.
He gave Jedao's statement, and the man, a few seconds to breathe before he responds. He wasn't an unreasonable man, or an ignorant one. Not one to say that America or Earth or its way was the best because he very much doubted that was the case. Not one to dig his heels in so far that he's incapable of considering adjusting his perspective and trying again. A little honesty about how one was feeling went a long way.
"Kiryu wouldn'a known unless he'd shadowed Izzy. He didn't know about Roman because I didn't tell him, and what I was doin' wasn't really protectin'. I could shuffle the view, argue that long term, that was it's goal. But it wasn't. Roman deserved a lesson. The hard bite of reality. Izzy took it too far. He crossed a line." So Raylan crossed it back to meet him because Roman sure as shit didn't know about any of that way of understanding.
What was with the card? Tarot maybe? That kind of spiritual fanaticism seemed ill-fitting, but it was the only thing he could think of.
"That shifts the foundations of James's argument automatically, Kiryu's knowledge aside. I was not attacked, I am not a victim. We were both aggressors in our way. I want to work with you around his issues. Not make it harder. I already know he might not believe it from you but he will from me. He needs both of us and this wardenin' job ain't for wimps."
His pride aside, his desire to help get James to the realizations that would lead him towards graduation were real. He could be trusted with that end of the proverbial couch, without question.
"I think bein' scared about doin' it well means we're doin' alright."
Jedao makes a soft huffing breath. "As much as I appreciate that an overconfident warden would certainly be more prone to certain grave errors, sometimes people are afraid of failure because the thing they are attempting is just actually above their ability level."
He closes his eyes and tilts his head back.
"I would guess, where you're from, that you are more-or-less successful in your chosen vocation. I -" His voice breaks, just for a moment, then steadies. "I won a war, and lost everything else. I wasn't overconfident. I was shit scared the whole time. Sometimes you can just really be in over your head. Sometimes you know it, and you try your very hardest and get help you never expected and still fuck it up and destroy truly irreparable things."
He opens his eyes, shuffles the deck, pulls out a new card. The card has the look of Major Arcana, no suit, just a figure in grey robes and bronze glasses, a wolf silhouette behind them, with the card upside down. Jedao snorts and returns it to the deck.
"Which isn't to say I really believe this is the same situation. I'm not in over my head, not in the same way. But awareness of the possibility of failure is no reliable prophylactic."
Tragically, Raylan, he just talks like this sometimes. It comes of reading too many legal treatises.
"All of which is to say, I'm not a child, and you don't have to comfort me. You asked for trust, and I gave it to you, that's all. But I am - uncertain, and I am still going to fret."
He tucks the cards away again into a pocket.
"Can I ask what you want from me? Besides cursing, apparently."
People are afraid of failure because the thing they are attempting is just actually above their ability level. That might well be true, but Raylan didn't think it applied to him, James, or Jedao. On top of that, there was very few people Raylan comforted, and now was no different. It wasn't offered as comfort. It was offered as his opinion on it. If Jedao found it to be 'comforting', it was purely outside of design.
"Outside'a knowing what the hell is with your cards, nothin' more than helpin' you get James graduated." And the aforementioned general respect that they'd already sorted out.
"And I am successful, by and large, but that doesn't mean I haven't caught a few bullets on the way. I did a lot of failin' along the way." He wasn't stupid enough to think that anything he experienced in Harlan got up to 'war zone' levels, but he had been in South American jungle in gang war zones. That counted, right?
"But I have to have faith in him that he can learn some very real lessons, and faith in you that you're stubborn enough to handle him. I want to help in that. For everyone's sake, and it ain't about comfort, it's about tenacity."
"Oh, the cards are just my item. They get snarky about him, sometimes," Jedao explains idly. He pulls another card, and it's some kind of face card, although the person depicted doesn't wear a crow. The suit is roses; they're blue. This one, too, is upside down.
"Or maybe they're teasing me for being compulsive," Jedao adds dourly. He shuffles once and tucks them back into a pocket.
"Ah," he sounds quietly, nodding faintly at the answer. He was never much into that kind of mysticism, but to each their own. He had questions, of course, but now wasn't the time for them.
"Of course I have. For most of my formative life and far too frequently here." Between making sure Roman was okay and making sure that James was okay, Raylan had already had something of a small breakdown that was had behind the security of his own cabin door.
"But I'm guessin' you're asking to make a point." In a way of asking what that point was - he doubted Jedao wanted him to lay it all out for him and Raylan wasn't the kind of man to look for sympathy.
Jedao frowns a little, a miniscule furrow between his eyebrows, like he's trying to work out a puzzle. He assumes everything James says to him in private, especially about emotions, is effectively in confidence, and Jedao is unwilling to betray that confidence, even if the odds that Raylan has already heard some version of the same feelings are excellent. Sometimes you don't want your partner to see every fear and insecurity, even if you trust them, and that's not Jedao's to choose or guess.
"I'm trying to get a different perspective on things. One that's closer to James's reactions than mine, maybe."
That was a surprise. Raylan hummed a note and shifted, straightening in his chair to stare out over the field as he considers that answer. A different perspective, Raylan had, but they were brutal and ugly in the way they were gotten.
"It's.. Hard. To stand by and watch people you care about gettin' hurt without doin' anything. The common sense argument might be 'What good will it do, what does it solve, what does it actually get you' but in the moment - It'll do a lotta good, it goes a little way towards solving the hurricane in a man's chest, and it gets him blood. I know that the idea of 'Their Language' is hard for.. more liberal minded people to accept - Peace is always an option, use your words not your fists, love not war, that kinda shit - But that doesn't change the reality of there bein' a lot more men like him and I out there than not. I grew up in a place where things were controlled by fear and I know it wasn't healthy, but that's the way of the world. Civility is great and all, but when you get down to brass tacks, there's only so far you can go with bullheaded people that only know one way of the world."
He pulls his flask back out and unscrews the top in one swift motion.
"The view you're lookin' at, by the way, is one of the hollers in Harlan County, Kentucky. My father was a big player in the criminal element and he used to beat my mother and me... Arlo always made the house feel like a tornado was stormin' in the living room.. I won't give you any of the messy details but.. Somewhere along the way, I learned that peaceful hopes don't stop an angry man. Doesn't matter much what he's actually angry about." It was capped off with a swig from his little bottle to wash the words down.
"In this last breach," Jedao says quietly, "I beat my father to death with a solid sapphire paperweight. Which was actually...so much easier than that man's assassination in real life, which took months of planning, while living under this thumb and doing his war crimes to avoid arousing his suspicion, multiple branches of higher mathematics, and the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of good soldiers. If you think I believe that peace is always an option, Raylan Givens, then you have very seriously mistaken me."
He holds his hand out for the flask; his face is utterly blank.
His eyebrows bob at that opener - hellva way to start kid, that was impressive.
The flask was handed over.
"I put my father in prison. Three different times. Why'd you wanna kill yours?"
His tone was too casual for the conversation, emotions half checked at the door because it was safer that way. Easier to talk about these things with more than a few long lengths.
"I didn't want to," Jedao says, and for just a moment, his voice cracks. He closes his eyes and takes a very deep breath, and the monotone returns.
"To be fair, Nirai-Zho was not an angry man. He was calm almost to the very end, in fact. Only an...unfathomably selfish one, vindictive over old grudges, cruel when bored, brilliant and ruthless and resourceful enough to become immensely powerful, impossible to reliably contain. But he was not often cruel to me. He made me to be his. He would have made me the happiest pet in the world, if I were willing to let him eat everyone else's hearts to sustain his selfishness. But I wasn't. So he had to die. And no one else was close enough to do it."
When he opens his eyes, they're shiny with tears, but they don't fall.
"All of which is to say. I do understand feeling - trapped, terrified, horrified, furious. But I could not afford to be anything less than extremely pragmatic about it. I don't want James to feel like that. But I can't turn the barge safe. And I don't think he can, either. None of us can turn life safe, not for sure. I don't know what's in between those points. I wondered if you had any experience of - in between. Or suggestions what it might look like."
There should have been some small part of Raylan that was a little jealous of that, in the way he was almost jealous of Roman's love for his father, but oddly - there wasn't. There was no little boy reaching for the idea of a father to hold him tight, to teach him how to hunt and tie a tie.
The absence of that didn't mean he didn't empathize with Jedao. He knew wanting to kill your father wasn't the healthiest perspective. He's still not sorry.
"I'm sorry to hear that's the way it was for you," he says, edges softened for the statement. He wasn't going to linger on it, but he felt it needed to be said. "But no, there's no making life Safe. The only thing you can do is mitigate the possibility. James's problem is that he doesn't know how to sit still when something's happening. And when he's left out of it, it stings him because he couldn't do anything about it. The thing is, he's gotta realize that a scratch isn't a gut wound. That a stubbed toe doesn't mean you burn the dresser down for the offence. It comes from a good place, no matter how much blood he's willin' to shed for it.. He's gonna have to if he wants to keep his sanity back in Miami." He looks over.
"He can do it. He just needs to build the confidence that one bad thing isn't gonna take everything he cares about away all over again. He's allowed to be sensitive about that, I think."
"I know he can. If it comes to that, I want to teach him field medicine, in addition to triage. Metaphorically speaking."
More than anything, Jedao thinks Flint needs things to do, practical things, things that actually help, other than holding back or lashing out, proportional or not.
"Shit, I might need'ta join that class if I'm ever gonna be stitching anyone again," he comments with a sigh.
"We've.. I've tried. When I was murdered. It didn't go well. He doesn't like feeling useless. He doesn't like not-" He sighs out his nose and holds his hand back out for his flask. "We did make some progress. . He admitted to those things. Felt guilty that he didn't consider my wishes in it all. It's a step in the right direction. Like I said, he needs some confidence and the revival mechanic doesn't seem to be giving him any. He's gonna lose his mind the first time gunrunners from South America come after me with intent to put me in the ground."
James has talked to Jedao about some of those feelings too; if he's admitted them to Raylan already then Jedao feels less constrained in discussing it.
"Ultimately, the solution to feeling useless is to do something useful. He knows that. The problem is that right now he's confused doing what he wants to do with something productive." He's asked Jedao for other solutions, but he never likes the answers. Jedao doesn't have easy solutions for him. But action doesn't have to fix everything to be useful - and what Flint wants to do mostly isn't going to help.
"You're taking him to a new war?" Jedao asks, neutrally. It's not really important to the topic at hand, but - maybe they've said as much as they can say on it, for now.
"That solution applies to where there's somethin' useful to do, in such a practical way. Gunfire, a fire, someone to protect or someone to revenge. But there's another option and it's.. It's goddamned uncomfortable. To accept what has happened and trust another person to protect themselves when they say they can. We're-"
He stops himself, sighing out his nose. It was hard to convince people who were scared of losing everything that they wouldn't. Just as hard to convince people like himself, too scared of being left to trust themselves to those who'd leave. It was nuanced, complicated. It was Human in the best and worst way.
"I'm a Marshal, not a Solider. It's government work; stopping assholes bringing guns, drugs, and murder into the country. Chasin' down murderers and keepin' people safe from their consequences. That comes with some inherent dangers. I trust he'll be able to take care of himself if somethin' happens, but I'm more worried about him trying to go after Cartel. My world doesn't work like his does. He's a tough, capable man. That's already been shredded by bullets once. It can't work like that in a place where he won't come back."
"You're missing my meaning. There's useful things to do besides fighting. When it's quiet, I mean. Building something, learning something, teaching something. The barge provides so much of what we need, which makes it tricky to feel like we're not just marking time between disasters, but not everything. And even if it has to be protection - he's maintenance, maybe he could work with B on B's alarm project. Something he can achieve, even if it's not reorganizing the whole barge."
Which is not, now Jedao says it out loud, a bad idea, and when James is in a better frame of mind he might suggest it.
"So you're taking him into another war he can't win, without enough back-up, expecting him to sit around and let you fight it yourself, is what I'm hearing," Jedao adds dryly. "I'm sure I'm getting that wrong somewhere, so please clarify."
He's not afraid of James being helpless, because he isn't, or even dying, really - humans die. But Jedao doesn't want him to die without having had the life of peace that part of him still so desperately wants.
"You keep sayin' war. I've got the entire US Federal Government behind me; I'm not one man ridin' off into the distance or somethin'. Attacking me means attacking that, the most powerful force in the world when it's applied. Attacking me is attacking 4,000 souls - it's not just me. That's what you both seem to be misunderstandin'."
He shakes his head a little. "I won't argue about there bein' things to do that aren't fighting but those aren't my life back home. Here, I've found chickens and work and that's about all. Maybe that's why I snapped on Izzy, but - I support James gettin' into somethin' like that here. Something to keep his attention and care. But what it is here is not what I am going back to. It's a line to walk, I know that. We're both doing our best and I think that he's making progress. Pained progress but progress nonetheless. Nothing about this will be painless. I don't know that there's a way to do that. I would hope there is but life doesn't often give me that option, and the Barge doesn't either. A complication to work around."
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Jedao wonders if Raylan even sees it, how much he clearly wants Jedao to grovel for the terrible crime of failing to manage Raylan's ego. It's enough dealing with Flint's, and he still has to talk to Kiryu, and probably Izzy after that. He's already so tired of Earth men.
"The terms we're on, Raylan, is that I did give you the benefit the benefit of the doubt. I came to get your side of it instead of making assumptions. We're certainly not on the terms where I feel confident in my ability to read your mind and best intentions. But according to you, letting you speak for yourself and not immediately agreeing is me not having enough faith in you. Me asking direct questions would have been that and me interrogating you like a suspect. Me being tired and blunt and worried is me not being trustworthy or friendly enough for you to explain shit to and summoning you to the principle's office. What exactly did you want me to do, Raylan?"
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"No. You told me that I was one of two things, instead of dippin' into your newfound pot of understandin'. I can see you're tired and I've already embraced the bluntness, but if there's any worry in there, its for yourself or James. Which is fine; as it should be maybe. But you don't just disagree, you look down your nose at it, and you don't trust me. Haven't, even before this business. I don't know if its my relationship to James or if it gets in your way, but there's somethin' there." He was starting to think it was personal.
Which was also fine, but Raylan was the kind of man that gave what he got. His tone hadn't even much raised outside of briefly before in the conversation. They could have been talking about the weather. This wasn't about his ego. This was about the reality of their skeleton relationship.
"So now that we've sorted that out, you mind answerin' the one question that I asked you at the start of all this?"
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"I was certainly hoping it was the first option." Of the two. "And no, it's not sorted, because for someone who thinks I ought to know you better, you don't know me at all. You think I haven't ever trusted you?"
He shakes his head, swallows, struggling with one part bitterness to four parts kneejerk instinct, things you aren't supposed to explain. Not if you're Shuos.
"Raylan, if I didn't trust you, this conversation would not have happened. If I didn't trust you, then you would not have heard shit from me except full-throated sympathy and support. Of course Kiryu should already know his inmate has had two altercations, that's his job. Of course you had to protect Roman, but just tell me a little more about how exactly it happened? I came to you and let you see my real objections, my real frustration, my real criticism, because in my world, that's respect and trust. That's more trust than I'm supposed to extend to anyone I don't know better than my own child. Every Shuos that exists would be ashamed of me for trusting you this much, and it's skullfucking embarrassing that you're throwing it in my face this badly."
It's also embarrassing because Jedao really should have known better. Raylan is a cop, which means he's basically Rahal. Wolves don't understand Shuos respect. Wolves understand deference for their power. But he wasn't thinking of Raylan as a Rahal. He was worried - yes, about James - and frustrated and Jedao just - trusted him.
"And I don't have a problem with your relationship with James. I don't always understand it, but I think it's great. Whoever made you defensive about that, it sure as fuck was not me."
He pulls a deck of cards out of his pocket and shuffles idly before flipping one card over. The card is an Eight of Gears. He tucks it back in the deck.
"If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't answer this honestly, either. Maybe it's a mistake, but I might as well be folded for stars as for sparks. I think James's proposal is a great solution for a very different problem than the one he actually has. And I think he's going to keep getting himself frustrated and hurt if he keeps trying to combine his temper and his genuine talent for community building, because he wants to be able to have both, but people are always going to see the latter when he wants them to only see the former. But the genuine grievances are genuine, and the ways they're intractible - which isn't all ways - don't make them any less genuine. I don't know how to give him what he deserves and what he needs. I think I'm failing him, and I'm terrified. Does that answer your question?"
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Even if he didn't really understand a Shuo was.
He gave Jedao's statement, and the man, a few seconds to breathe before he responds. He wasn't an unreasonable man, or an ignorant one. Not one to say that America or Earth or its way was the best because he very much doubted that was the case. Not one to dig his heels in so far that he's incapable of considering adjusting his perspective and trying again. A little honesty about how one was feeling went a long way.
"Kiryu wouldn'a known unless he'd shadowed Izzy. He didn't know about Roman because I didn't tell him, and what I was doin' wasn't really protectin'. I could shuffle the view, argue that long term, that was it's goal. But it wasn't. Roman deserved a lesson. The hard bite of reality. Izzy took it too far. He crossed a line." So Raylan crossed it back to meet him because Roman sure as shit didn't know about any of that way of understanding.
What was with the card? Tarot maybe? That kind of spiritual fanaticism seemed ill-fitting, but it was the only thing he could think of.
"That shifts the foundations of James's argument automatically, Kiryu's knowledge aside. I was not attacked, I am not a victim. We were both aggressors in our way. I want to work with you around his issues. Not make it harder. I already know he might not believe it from you but he will from me. He needs both of us and this wardenin' job ain't for wimps."
His pride aside, his desire to help get James to the realizations that would lead him towards graduation were real. He could be trusted with that end of the proverbial couch, without question.
"I think bein' scared about doin' it well means we're doin' alright."
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He closes his eyes and tilts his head back.
"I would guess, where you're from, that you are more-or-less successful in your chosen vocation. I -" His voice breaks, just for a moment, then steadies. "I won a war, and lost everything else. I wasn't overconfident. I was shit scared the whole time. Sometimes you can just really be in over your head. Sometimes you know it, and you try your very hardest and get help you never expected and still fuck it up and destroy truly irreparable things."
He opens his eyes, shuffles the deck, pulls out a new card. The card has the look of Major Arcana, no suit, just a figure in grey robes and bronze glasses, a wolf silhouette behind them, with the card upside down. Jedao snorts and returns it to the deck.
"Which isn't to say I really believe this is the same situation. I'm not in over my head, not in the same way. But awareness of the possibility of failure is no reliable prophylactic."
Tragically, Raylan, he just talks like this sometimes. It comes of reading too many legal treatises.
"All of which is to say, I'm not a child, and you don't have to comfort me. You asked for trust, and I gave it to you, that's all. But I am - uncertain, and I am still going to fret."
He tucks the cards away again into a pocket.
"Can I ask what you want from me? Besides cursing, apparently."
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"Outside'a knowing what the hell is with your cards, nothin' more than helpin' you get James graduated." And the aforementioned general respect that they'd already sorted out.
"And I am successful, by and large, but that doesn't mean I haven't caught a few bullets on the way. I did a lot of failin' along the way." He wasn't stupid enough to think that anything he experienced in Harlan got up to 'war zone' levels, but he had been in South American jungle in gang war zones. That counted, right?
"But I have to have faith in him that he can learn some very real lessons, and faith in you that you're stubborn enough to handle him. I want to help in that. For everyone's sake, and it ain't about comfort, it's about tenacity."
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"Or maybe they're teasing me for being compulsive," Jedao adds dourly. He shuffles once and tucks them back into a pocket.
"Have you ever felt helpless, Raylan?"
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"Of course I have. For most of my formative life and far too frequently here." Between making sure Roman was okay and making sure that James was okay, Raylan had already had something of a small breakdown that was had behind the security of his own cabin door.
"But I'm guessin' you're asking to make a point." In a way of asking what that point was - he doubted Jedao wanted him to lay it all out for him and Raylan wasn't the kind of man to look for sympathy.
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Jedao frowns a little, a miniscule furrow between his eyebrows, like he's trying to work out a puzzle. He assumes everything James says to him in private, especially about emotions, is effectively in confidence, and Jedao is unwilling to betray that confidence, even if the odds that Raylan has already heard some version of the same feelings are excellent. Sometimes you don't want your partner to see every fear and insecurity, even if you trust them, and that's not Jedao's to choose or guess.
"I'm trying to get a different perspective on things. One that's closer to James's reactions than mine, maybe."
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"It's.. Hard. To stand by and watch people you care about gettin' hurt without doin' anything. The common sense argument might be 'What good will it do, what does it solve, what does it actually get you' but in the moment - It'll do a lotta good, it goes a little way towards solving the hurricane in a man's chest, and it gets him blood. I know that the idea of 'Their Language' is hard for.. more liberal minded people to accept - Peace is always an option, use your words not your fists, love not war, that kinda shit - But that doesn't change the reality of there bein' a lot more men like him and I out there than not. I grew up in a place where things were controlled by fear and I know it wasn't healthy, but that's the way of the world. Civility is great and all, but when you get down to brass tacks, there's only so far you can go with bullheaded people that only know one way of the world."
He pulls his flask back out and unscrews the top in one swift motion.
"The view you're lookin' at, by the way, is one of the hollers in Harlan County, Kentucky. My father was a big player in the criminal element and he used to beat my mother and me... Arlo always made the house feel like a tornado was stormin' in the living room.. I won't give you any of the messy details but.. Somewhere along the way, I learned that peaceful hopes don't stop an angry man. Doesn't matter much what he's actually angry about." It was capped off with a swig from his little bottle to wash the words down.
"I still own you onn'a those."
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He holds his hand out for the flask; his face is utterly blank.
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The flask was handed over.
"I put my father in prison. Three different times. Why'd you wanna kill yours?"
His tone was too casual for the conversation, emotions half checked at the door because it was safer that way. Easier to talk about these things with more than a few long lengths.
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"To be fair, Nirai-Zho was not an angry man. He was calm almost to the very end, in fact. Only an...unfathomably selfish one, vindictive over old grudges, cruel when bored, brilliant and ruthless and resourceful enough to become immensely powerful, impossible to reliably contain. But he was not often cruel to me. He made me to be his. He would have made me the happiest pet in the world, if I were willing to let him eat everyone else's hearts to sustain his selfishness. But I wasn't. So he had to die. And no one else was close enough to do it."
When he opens his eyes, they're shiny with tears, but they don't fall.
"All of which is to say. I do understand feeling - trapped, terrified, horrified, furious. But I could not afford to be anything less than extremely pragmatic about it. I don't want James to feel like that. But I can't turn the barge safe. And I don't think he can, either. None of us can turn life safe, not for sure. I don't know what's in between those points. I wondered if you had any experience of - in between. Or suggestions what it might look like."
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The absence of that didn't mean he didn't empathize with Jedao. He knew wanting to kill your father wasn't the healthiest perspective. He's still not sorry.
"I'm sorry to hear that's the way it was for you," he says, edges softened for the statement. He wasn't going to linger on it, but he felt it needed to be said. "But no, there's no making life Safe. The only thing you can do is mitigate the possibility. James's problem is that he doesn't know how to sit still when something's happening. And when he's left out of it, it stings him because he couldn't do anything about it. The thing is, he's gotta realize that a scratch isn't a gut wound. That a stubbed toe doesn't mean you burn the dresser down for the offence. It comes from a good place, no matter how much blood he's willin' to shed for it.. He's gonna have to if he wants to keep his sanity back in Miami." He looks over.
"He can do it. He just needs to build the confidence that one bad thing isn't gonna take everything he cares about away all over again. He's allowed to be sensitive about that, I think."
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More than anything, Jedao thinks Flint needs things to do, practical things, things that actually help, other than holding back or lashing out, proportional or not.
"Have you two talked about that?"
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"We've.. I've tried. When I was murdered. It didn't go well. He doesn't like feeling useless. He doesn't like not-" He sighs out his nose and holds his hand back out for his flask. "We did make some progress. . He admitted to those things. Felt guilty that he didn't consider my wishes in it all. It's a step in the right direction. Like I said, he needs some confidence and the revival mechanic doesn't seem to be giving him any. He's gonna lose his mind the first time gunrunners from South America come after me with intent to put me in the ground."
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"Ultimately, the solution to feeling useless is to do something useful. He knows that. The problem is that right now he's confused doing what he wants to do with something productive." He's asked Jedao for other solutions, but he never likes the answers. Jedao doesn't have easy solutions for him. But action doesn't have to fix everything to be useful - and what Flint wants to do mostly isn't going to help.
"You're taking him to a new war?" Jedao asks, neutrally. It's not really important to the topic at hand, but - maybe they've said as much as they can say on it, for now.
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He stops himself, sighing out his nose. It was hard to convince people who were scared of losing everything that they wouldn't. Just as hard to convince people like himself, too scared of being left to trust themselves to those who'd leave. It was nuanced, complicated. It was Human in the best and worst way.
"I'm a Marshal, not a Solider. It's government work; stopping assholes bringing guns, drugs, and murder into the country. Chasin' down murderers and keepin' people safe from their consequences. That comes with some inherent dangers. I trust he'll be able to take care of himself if somethin' happens, but I'm more worried about him trying to go after Cartel. My world doesn't work like his does. He's a tough, capable man. That's already been shredded by bullets once. It can't work like that in a place where he won't come back."
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"You're missing my meaning. There's useful things to do besides fighting. When it's quiet, I mean. Building something, learning something, teaching something. The barge provides so much of what we need, which makes it tricky to feel like we're not just marking time between disasters, but not everything. And even if it has to be protection - he's maintenance, maybe he could work with B on B's alarm project. Something he can achieve, even if it's not reorganizing the whole barge."
Which is not, now Jedao says it out loud, a bad idea, and when James is in a better frame of mind he might suggest it.
"So you're taking him into another war he can't win, without enough back-up, expecting him to sit around and let you fight it yourself, is what I'm hearing," Jedao adds dryly. "I'm sure I'm getting that wrong somewhere, so please clarify."
He's not afraid of James being helpless, because he isn't, or even dying, really - humans die. But Jedao doesn't want him to die without having had the life of peace that part of him still so desperately wants.
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He shakes his head a little. "I won't argue about there bein' things to do that aren't fighting but those aren't my life back home. Here, I've found chickens and work and that's about all. Maybe that's why I snapped on Izzy, but - I support James gettin' into somethin' like that here. Something to keep his attention and care. But what it is here is not what I am going back to. It's a line to walk, I know that. We're both doing our best and I think that he's making progress. Pained progress but progress nonetheless. Nothing about this will be painless. I don't know that there's a way to do that. I would hope there is but life doesn't often give me that option, and the Barge doesn't either. A complication to work around."