Malcolm x Raylan: Cowboy Surprise

[tinstar]

Art was suspicious right off the bat when Raylan took a week off with the express note that his phone would be Out Of Order til the next Monday, but the Chief Marshal wasn't going to look gift horses in the mouth. Not when it suggested he'd have a few days of peace, until Raylan caved to turning his phone back on again. Still, he watched the younger Marshal walk out of the office and promised himself to check into the state of Harlan within 3 days to make sure that the place wasn't on fire. The smoke would reach him before he called, he was sure.

But Art didn't have much to worry about - Raylan had no plans on staying in the state for his vacation, beyond one day spent closing up Arlo's and securing it the best way he could before getting on a plane to New York City. He wanted to surprise Malcolm - it'd been near two months since they'd last seen each other and frankly, Raylan was tired of missing him. They'd called and texted, stayed in a fairly consistent, if odd houred, touch but it wasn't the same.

Once he landed, Raylan rented a car and navigated his way towards Malcolm's apartment, stopping to grab a bouquet of flowers. It was.. Extra, but Raylan didn't want to show up empty handed, just in case. Thirty minutes later, Malcolm's door buzzer was being hit, like Raylan was here to deliver something. Well, he was, but that was half the fun.

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[tinstar]

Raylan nodded and fell in line, looking up at what little sky he could as they made their way. After a moment, he looked over at Malcolm.

"What triggered what happened at the table? Your hallucination."

[abrightboy]

He took a breath like he was about to speak, but let it out, then swallowed and looked down at the sidewalk.

"Brain chemistry is complicated," he said, the technical answer being his go-to for dissociating. "I take an antipsychotic to mitigate the... psychosis. It's a symptom of PTSD. But a little change of levels... a little cortisol, a little adrenaline... I find these dinners with my mother stressful," he admitted quietly. "And I think that's what did it." He dared to look over at Raylan. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about... them. They could honestly happen at any time; I should have said something." His eyes widened slightly as he realized how that sounded. "They're mostly under control, I promise." He frowned faintly. "This is too crazy, right? It's too much?"

[tinstar]

He watched the sidewalk pass under his boot tips, which was easier then looking at Malcolm and not being able to slip an arm around him or something.

"My being there made it worse," he surmised.

As Malcolm continued, Raylan couldn't help but reproitize his working relationship with the man. Reality was what it was, no matter how he felt, and it was something a smart man would take into account, considering what it was they did for a living.

"Too much for what?" He knew, but he wanted to let Malcolm argue the stance if he really wanted to. Get it out of his system or something. "Too crazy to work with, too crazy to date, too crazy to be in love with?"

There was almost an underlying tonal challenge, however soft it was. Go on, Malcolm. Try to convince Raylan Givens to feel some kind of way he doesn't.

[abrightboy]

He'd taken to studying the sidewalk again and frowned but didn't answer when Raylan suggested he'd made it worse, but when Raylan ran down the possibilities of what it was possibly 'too crazy' for, his attention whipped over to his face and he stopped walking.

"Your being there didn't make it worse," he said evenly, watching his face, choosing to address his previous statement instead of that one. "It made it better. Like there was a safe place to regroup."

[tinstar]

Raylan stopped with him, turning a patient, barefaced expression over as he shifted enough to be half facing Malcolm with the lean edge of his frame.

"Your mother wasn't hugged much as a child, was she?"

[abrightboy]

"I don't really know," he admitted. "They're not super warm people, though." Raylan didn't want to talk about his grandparents, really. He was sure.

To be in love with.

It rang in his mind like a church bell and he felt both incredibly grounded and like he was about to faint.

"I..." He swallowed. Usually it took a lot more touching to get his brain to short out like that. "Should I get a taxi? I'll get a taxi."

Stepping towards the curb would help with that, but he was rooted to the spot, his eyes on Raylan's face.

[tinstar]

"Much as I've seen, money tends to do that, for some reason." He wasn't going to ask tonight, but he would ask eventually. Tonight, they had plenty to process. Malcolm's grandparents would hold.

Raylan's face curled in soft amusement. "We already done walking?"

[abrightboy]

He laughed self-consciously and nodded faintly.

"I don't want to be out here anymore. I want to get home."

Where he could properly appreciate what Raylan just said.

"Had enough of the rest of the world," he admitted with a wry smile.

[tinstar]

He hummed his acknowledgement, smile spreading a little as he stepped backwards, turning somehow with those long legs, to flag a taxi down. Thankfully, this street seemed to be a popular one and getting one to pull up next to the curb happened more easily than Raylan honestly expected.

He opened the door and gestured for Malcolm to slid in before doing the same.

[abrightboy]

As the cab pulled away from the curb, Malcolm set his tupperware in his lap and slid his hand over Raylan's on the seat between them.

"My mother thinks the basement causes the hallucinations because I hallucinate about things from the basement," he explained.

[tinstar]

Malcolm's hand was squeezed softly before Raylan turned his palm over and interlaced their fingers. The taxi driver was still 'public' enough to bother Raylan, but he wouldn't be able to see this, and Raylan could indulge.

"Is she right?" He would be the best to answer.

[abrightboy]

He shook his head.

"It's stress. The basement is where the trauma happened, but stress messes up my brain, not going there."

[tinstar]

Raylan nodded again. That made him feel better. While Malcolm could protest about things in the moment all day, Raylan trusted that he wasn't saving face in his answer.

"I can't help reduce stress, but I can help mitigate its effects. Even if that's giving you a wall of shoulder to hide behind... It's obvious that she loves you. Ainsley too. It would make sense, to everyone, that going down there might.. refresh your memories. Traumatize you all over again. Can't say I agree with how they deal with the aftermath, but they're doing their best."

[abrightboy]

He nodded soberly.

"I know. That's why I still go." He looked at Raylan. "That was a lot, though. About... my problems. We'll do something less heavy tomorrow. I want you to enjoy this trip."

[tinstar]

"We had a whole hour and a half throwing axes with no mention of any problems," he reasoned with a faint gesture of their interlaced hands.

"I'm here." He glanced at the taxi driver with a deep inhale before choosing his words. "I am enjoying it so far. You could pass as Southern with your hospitality."

He didn't realize just how grateful he would be when the taxi pulled up outside of Malcolm's and he pulled a few bills out of his wallet to hand to the driver before sliding out, holding the door open long enough for Malcolm to join him on the sidewalk before closing it.

"Let's finish this talk upstairs." Where they could be themselves, unapologetically.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm held the tupperware in one hand and fished his keys out with the other, letting them in one door and then the other, setting his container on the counter and shrugging out of his jacket before turning around to find Raylan.

THESE TWO. FUCK. /ded

[tinstar]

Raylan locked the doors behind them, chain and all, and shrugged off his jacket. Once that was hung and his hat to match, he wasted no time coming to collect Malcolm in his arms. Everything that he'd repressed seemed to flow out of him like a dam giving way, so it was no surprise that he found himself wrapped around and kissing Malcolm again.

When it broke, he spoke first, faces kept close in their intimacy. "I want to be that safe space for you, Malcolm. I like that I am. You need one." And he was happy to provide. He was.. good at this kind of security. The kind that had nothing to do with bullets or mafia or petty crime. The kind that he could control.

I KNOW I CAN'T THEM

[abrightboy]

When Raylan gathered him up, his arms slid tightly around him and Malcolm clung to him like a rock in the sea. Tension eased out of him during the kiss and when it broke, he listened to those words and couldn't help his eyes welling up a little.

"I love you," he whispered shakily.

[tinstar]

There was no arguing what he felt in Malcolm's tight grip, that sense of need and desperation, and Raylan knew this was Malcolm's first dive off this particular dock. Malcolm might have had crushes before, but he hadn't loved someone. Until now.

Raylan smiled, a faint curl to all his features that left him with only soft edges. "It's okay. I love you too." The smile pulled. "But I think you already knew that."

And if he didn't, he did now. Raylan kissed him again, breathing him in as his hands spread across and up Malcolm's back. If he could help beat back Malcolm's darkness by just being there, by just wanting to be with Malcolm and love him and find some kind of workable normal for them.. Well shit. Miami was definitely going to happen.

[abrightboy]

It had never gotten far enough to be love. Not like this. He'd held his heart back, like he'd tried to do with Raylan, and he'd waited for the inevitable moment when it was all Too Much and it had always come. Except this time, every time all signs - ie the emergence of his worst symptoms - pointed to it happening...it hadn't. And instead of informing him gravely that he couldn't do this anymore but to take care because he deserved to be happy, Raylan had only pulled him closer.

Malcolm didn't know what to do with that kind of unconditional love except cling to it and offer himself as unconditionally, to give Raylan the same safe place.

As the kiss broke, he tilted his forehead against Raylan's and took deep breath. It both felt incredibly fast - it had been months, but also so little of it had been spent together - and at the same time it felt like he'd been holding his breath for too long already.

"I'd hoped that," he murmured, his hand sliding up Raylan's neck to thread his fingers through his hair. "Seemed too good to be true," he admitted with a huff of a laugh.

[tinstar]

Raylan was a little breathless when the kiss broke again, but in the best possible way. This was only the second time he'd done this himself, despite having numerous other relationships outside of Winona, and the differences between Malcolm and Winona against everyone else were sharp in Raylan's vision.

"Couldn't tell ya when it happened," he replied quietly, tilting his head a little into Malcolm's fingers. "And I didn't mean to say it so soon." But clearly, these were extenuating circumstances. "But we've all got problems. Like you said, I'm not here for easy."

[abrightboy]

"No," he conceded with a soft smile, "I guess there are a lot of reasons I wouldn't have been your choice if you wanted an easy road."

He'd have probably started off by choosing a woman, for one thing. Malcolm's gender was still going to be an issue to him being in Raylan's life, but it was one he was prepared to adapt to or deal with as required.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked, though not making a move to untangle himself just yet, his fingers still idly stroking Raylan's hair. "You've been a saint in putting up with my family."

[tinstar]

"Don't know that I had much of a choice," he admitted. Even their first kiss had been impulse he couldn't control and Raylan couldn't say why he didn't stop there. Drunk or lonely or affection starved or just tired of dancing with a tension he hadn't even acknowledged. Everything after that was worth the feelings that Malcolm had left in him.

He stole another kiss, this one more chaste and gentle. "A drink sounds great. And it was better than last time. I think your sister approves of me." Not in any inappropriate way, but Raylan didn't feel like Ainsley was going to proverbially try to string him up for existing near her brother.

"And seeing you guys all together at home.. clears some things up." His face curled in amusement, hands finally loosening a little on Malcolm so that he could break away if he wanted. "So Ballet, huh?"

[abrightboy]

He gave Raylan a rueful smile at the question, then pulled away to go to the cupboard and get down a glass. He paused and then got down another glass.

"I've been telling people my mother made me take it since... I was still taking it," he admitted. He took a decanter of scotch down from another cupboard and glanced at Raylan over his shoulder. "Kids at school found out I was doing it and..." He shrugged. "They started making fun of me. But they all had overbearing rich parents who made them do things they hated, so I just... said she made me take it."

He poured two fingers of scotch into a glass and brought it to the island, pushing it towards Raylan before turning to pour scotch into the other one. "But I loved it," he confessed. "I loved how it looked and how it felt. Then, one day, I came home from school with scrapes on both hands and both knees and my father noticed at dinner, even though I tried to hide it under the table. He took me down to his office afterwards and asked me what happened. So I told him about the kids making fun of me for being in ballet and pushing me around in the yard. He told me about the degree of athleticism required for it and how it put professional athletes in a lot of sports to shame and that kids don't know how to process emotions like jealousy, so it comes out as aggression." He took a breath and turned around with his own glass. "And then my father got arrested for torturing twenty-three people to death in that basement and.... " He shrugged and looked down into his glass. "Well. The kids at school forgot about the ballet. I was 'Psycho' after that." He took a large swallow of scotch and then looked at Raylan. "I stopped taking it around then. My presence in the class made the other students' parents uncomfortable. I still like watching ballet, but... I don't tell anyone."

[tinstar]

Raylan watched, coming to lean on a nearby counter edge as Malcolm poured out. He understood how Kids could be - by and large, especially in groups, they were prime assholes. Money didn't change that, it only made it worse.

"I've never seen ballet." It seemed like a better place to start. "Just pictures. I imagine it takes a hellva lotta discipline to get on up on their toes. You ever thought about taking classes again?"

Ladies went to pilates and spin class, why couldn't Malcolm take some ballet on the side?