Hey, it's Kendall. I just wanted to let you know that my and Roman's dad died, and I just told Roman a couple minutes ago. I don't know what else I can do for him so he might come to you.
[ He's gonna leave it there, but then: ]
I knew about it when I first got here, but I didn't tell him because I thought he was doing better here and I didn't want to fuck that up. It really messed him up when it happened back home, and I didn't want to be the cause of that here too.
[Raylan takes a good twenty minutes to respond, mainly because he was in the middle of doing something and partly because once he did see it, he had to take a few minutes to think.]
Maybe you should have, but I don't doubt it messed you up too. I get why you didn't. It was something he was gonna have to process anyway- [the inevitable being what it was-] better that he gets to process it here where he's got a lotta support.
[ He's not, but... he's kind of starting to realise that his baseline for okay has been pretty busted since he showed up here. ]
I think he's better equipped for it here than he had been back home, he has more support. I mean, that's not a high bar, because he basically had no support back home except maybe Connor and me and Shiv, but we were all struggling too. But it just happened so suddenly, and there were a million other things happening. Dad was trying to sell the business and Shiv was pregnant and maybe getting a divorce and Connor was getting married and there was an election, and then this happened and it just fucked everything up.
[ He was going to keep this bit to himself, but he figures if anyone should know it's Raylan. ]
After his funeral, there were all these protests on the streets because of the election, and Roman went out and got himself in the middle of it, and he got the shit kicked out of him. And I know he did it on purpose, he went into the middle of it to start a fight and get hurt. And I didn't want that to happen to him here, I didn't want him to put himself in danger. Even when I found out you come back if you die here, because you still feel like you've died and it still hurts like hell, and I don't want that for him. So I held off even when I saw he was doing better, because I thought if anything was gonna make him spiral it'd be this.
[Of course he's not, but Raylan isn't going to push. Sometimes telling yourself and others you're okay is the only way to actually find a way to Okay in the first place.]
That makes sense. That's a lotta life happening at once. [Raylan could only imagine and even then, through a slightly romanticized glass.]
I wish I could say that was surprising. That's happened to him here, ya know. Got himself sliced open pretty bad for it. He's got a few more tools in his toolbox now. Getting better is about being able to get through the swings life give you, even if you stumble doing it.
I know I've said it before but you're a good brother Kendall. Y'all are lucky to have each other.
[ Kendall doesn't feel like a good brother. He doesn't feel like much of a brother at all. ]
I just feel like I fucked all this up. I feel like there was a better way to tell him. And I still kind of think I shouldn't have told him at all because it upset him. He doesn't need to know, it's just something that happened to me that didn't happen to him and might not ever happen to him.
Except it's absolutely going to happen to him. No matter if it happens the way it happened to you or in some other way. One of those eventuality things, and it was already gonna rock the four of you.
It's still gonna hurt him, either way, you can't help that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
backdated just a lil to earlier this month
[ He's gonna leave it there, but then: ]
I knew about it when I first got here, but I didn't tell him because I thought he was doing better here and I didn't want to fuck that up. It really messed him up when it happened back home, and I didn't want to be the cause of that here too.
I know I should've told him sooner.
no subject
Maybe you should have, but I don't doubt it messed you up too. I get why you didn't. It was something he was gonna have to process anyway- [the inevitable being what it was-] better that he gets to process it here where he's got a lotta support.
I'll check in on him.
How are you doing after telling him?
no subject
[ He's not, but... he's kind of starting to realise that his baseline for okay has been pretty busted since he showed up here. ]
I think he's better equipped for it here than he had been back home, he has more support. I mean, that's not a high bar, because he basically had no support back home except maybe Connor and me and Shiv, but we were all struggling too. But it just happened so suddenly, and there were a million other things happening. Dad was trying to sell the business and Shiv was pregnant and maybe getting a divorce and Connor was getting married and there was an election, and then this happened and it just fucked everything up.
[ He was going to keep this bit to himself, but he figures if anyone should know it's Raylan. ]
After his funeral, there were all these protests on the streets because of the election, and Roman went out and got himself in the middle of it, and he got the shit kicked out of him. And I know he did it on purpose, he went into the middle of it to start a fight and get hurt. And I didn't want that to happen to him here, I didn't want him to put himself in danger. Even when I found out you come back if you die here, because you still feel like you've died and it still hurts like hell, and I don't want that for him. So I held off even when I saw he was doing better, because I thought if anything was gonna make him spiral it'd be this.
Does that make sense?
no subject
That makes sense. That's a lotta life happening at once. [Raylan could only imagine and even then, through a slightly romanticized glass.]
I wish I could say that was surprising. That's happened to him here, ya know. Got himself sliced open pretty bad for it. He's got a few more tools in his toolbox now. Getting better is about being able to get through the swings life give you, even if you stumble doing it.
I know I've said it before but you're a good brother Kendall. Y'all are lucky to have each other.
no subject
I just feel like I fucked all this up. I feel like there was a better way to tell him. And I still kind of think I shouldn't have told him at all because it upset him. He doesn't need to know, it's just something that happened to me that didn't happen to him and might not ever happen to him.
no subject
It's still gonna hurt him, either way, you can't help that.
That isn't your fault.