[ Laura stares forward, but that admission gets her smiling, even if she was fine leaving it out entirely. The way he handled her during their night together was a new type of excitement she'd never really experienced. A very good type.
She continues to listen quietly, glancing at him thoughtfully. ]
That's good, because guilty as charged.
[ she laughs softly, but her expression quickly turns contemplative. ]
But isn't pain supposed to remind you that you're still alive? I mean I've done stints both alive and dead and keeping yourself from going numb during the former is challenging enough. Taking away something physical like pain would be like taking the enjoyment out of making love to somebody. Sure, it takes time to heal, but doesn't everything?
[ she doesn't realize how deep that comes across, but it felt right saying. ]
[It was deep, and Raylan smiled a little, thoughtfully, but the focus in his eyes seems to creep away into a thousand yard stare. His brain had to scramble around the point, surprised by the insight of that way to look at it.]
I heard that a lot the last time I got shot at home.
[He focuses again and looks over to meet her eyes.]
But I've had my share of that pain and if we're bein' real honest here, Laura, I'm not gonna turn down the chance to not be afraid of some shit goin' down. Not bein' afraid that I'm gonna die in some cave with a broken leg in on some strange planet that I'll never be found on. We're not invincible, I know that - but it's as close to it as I'll ever get. It's a.. a freedom. The pain of the toll is exactly that. The exchange. The bill.
.. I imagine Gaius's bill will come due at some point. I don't think I'll be sorry.
[ to be fair, it's a sentiment that she's tried telling herself too many times and she's almost ready to laugh at herself for how irritatingly dumb it must sound coming from her - of all people. but he doesn't laugh, so that's something.
she meets his eyes and keeps them fixed, something in them that feels almost familiar, if not quite the same.
laura nods a little. ]
I can understand that. Works well for physical pain and trust me, I'll be giving it some thought. At least for this.
[ meaning her face. she pauses and her brow furrows curiously. ]
What about the other kinds of pain? Does it fix that, too?
[ there's no ill meant towards asking. she's gone through a lot and if there was some promise of protection against the thoughts that like to creep in at night.. well. ]
[His lips twist into a dry little passing fraction of a wry smile. Wouldn't that be delightful or horrific if it did. No, that would be a step too far for Raylan. As much as he didn't like Feeling, it was the Feeling that reminded him he was alive. The numbness of that would lead to some bad decisions, left in the hands of simmering anger.]
No. Nothin' fixes that. [Hen wishes he could say more about that but that was it. That was the raw truth of it.]
And it doesn't mean I don't feel physical pain, just that I heal rapidly. I broke a leg in a cave in durin' that cave port. Sure as hell felt that. It'll get put to a real test the next time I get into a fist fight with someone though.
If it's what you need to remind you that you're alive, then that's okay. I'm self aware enough to understand the.. changes in my perspective here that have grown over time.
[ in the end, it would be for Laura, too. stripping any more of it from her life would make her as good as dead again and up until recently, she'd been feeling pretty damn close to it. and that scared her.
she winces at hearing about his broken leg. her pain came with tolling during that cave port so she relates. still, there's a flash of satisfaction that comes with hoping malcolm at least felt the punch. ]
Yeah, I've been told experience does do that. For what it's worth, I'd love to be front-row center to see that fight. I'll get out my pom poms and wave my Go Raylan Go banner.
[ laura gives him a nod and a sassy little grin. ]
[The grin that slides on his face is easier for the one on hers, and his eyebrows lift and roll a little with a nod and a chuckle.]
That's sweet of ya. I'll try to make sure it's some where public, just for you, beautiful.
[He wanted to touch her, brush a finger down her cheek, kiss her head or something - and they were comfortable right now, but he didn't know how far that reached.]
Can I ask you somethin'? Now that we don't have alien hippie bugs floatin' around.
[ how is it that he can call her that and in a way that actually makes her believe it? even with half her face a mess of broken skin and stitches like some female version of frankenstein. it's one thing to say as some kind of lip service that leads to a blow job but that's not him and it doesn't even cross her mind.
the reaction is a hand settling on his thigh, which then sparks a sense of worry deep down when he brings up wanting to ask her something. did she read that wrong? ]
[Her hand felt nice and it suggested good things but he didn't want to assume. He didn't want to use energy on that worry. He wanted to get and keep things straight.]
I enjoyed the night I spent with you. More than is polite for me to say, but - [He wets his lips a little.]
That.. that somethin' that I should put away as one good night, or- You and Red are-
[He was floundering a little but just because he didn't want to imply the wrong thing.]
[ but- we shouldn't do anything like that again - is what she expected him to say and was more than a little surprised to hear something different. absently, her eyes drop to her hand on his leg. she and sweeney were more than they were but it wasn't serious and it definitely wasn't something either of them was planning to put any kind of label on. ]
We've slept together, but him and I aren't.. exclusive if that's what you mean.
[ she cares about the leprechaun, all the shitty things that have happened and all that they've both done to each other aside.
laura shifts, the movement bringing her face a little closer to his and she looks into his eyes. her expression is soft. ]
Did you want it to be something more than just one good night?
[He doesn't stop his impulse this time, free hand coming up to catch her chin and brush his thumb over it.]
I'm in no place to be anythin' to anyone other than a night of fun, darlin'. I'll take the fun, but-
[His face twitches in a passing furrow.] That's all I got to offer right now. I got.. shit I'm workin' through, and I'm not lookin' to fuck someone else up like that.
[He hoped she would understand what he meant by all that. He would be more than happy to have her in his bed now and then, but that was all it could be. Friends with benefits - if she wanted that.]
[ oh, but if she thought about it a little more, she'd be willing to try if it meant being touched like that all the time. but she's not so naive to believe that she's ever worthy of that kind of attention.
laura smiles at him easily, maybe even a touch relieved before deciding on her own impromptu move: a gentle, lingering kiss on his lips, before looking at him again. ]
That's good because I'm a hot mess, too, and you don't deserve that.
[ but really, she was scared to death to even think of falling in love with someone like him. he already made her feel on top of the world and that's a long way to fall if it didn't work out.
[The kiss was something of a surprise but softly met, hand on her shoulder sliding down to her waist to gently pull her a little closer for it. He didn't deserve anything. Clearly that was the lesson life was trying to teach him, so he was trying to take notes. To accept the reality of his luck. Of his lot.
His hand shifts to cup her cheek for a moment before he smiles warmly and nods.]
I'd like that too. And I've got a pretty impressive tub that screams for someone to lounge in it properly. You seem like a long bath kinda lady.
[ she doesn't resist letting him pull her closer and she can't help but love the gesture of him wanting her even closer than she was. laura lets out a pleased little hum. ]
Especially later in the evenings. [ she grins between them. ] Are you sure? I might abuse a privilege like that.
[ in which case "fun" could happen a little more often than not. ]
[Raylan doesn't sleep with just anyone. Neal, Maggie, Laura - they were all people he was emotionally invested in, and the opportunity to cuddle that feeling out into the world wasn't something he took just for the sexual companionship. He liked showing this kind of affection.]
I'm sure. I don't use it nearly often enough and someone oughta enjoy it. Especially if you're out here gettin' cut up like this in your spare time. I even got candles that are gatherin' dust.
[He also like the idea of people he cared about puttering around his space.]
[ affection like that is something she hasn't had in a long time and craves more than she's willing to admit. to anyone. it brings a tiny wistful smile to her lips before it falls away when memories come back of shadow. ]
Alright, don't say I didn't warn ya because I do really love a long hot bath. [ she gives him a big smile that's followed by a soft laugh. this might actually be the happiest he's seen her besides the night he showed her his beach. ] I promise I'll call ahead first.
[It spoke to how strong she was, that she could look that way while being hurt the way she was. He wanted to kiss her head but he didn't know how tender everything was so he'd refrain for now. That didn't stop the softness over his features though.]
I'd appreciate that. I got no idea what my new normal is really gonna look like and I need to figure that out too.
I don't need to leave room in for you strikin' back out at Kikimora, right?
[ there's also no assuming that she'd be the only one in that little black metaphorical book of his; to which she was sure he knew he wasn't the only name in hers. the barge was full of flavours. it merely depends on what your craving.
the question has her gaze shifting past him and she shrugs a shoulder up. ]
No. I'm not that kind of angry anymore. [ the angry laura that would have caught the little bitch and tore her to pieces like she did all those faceless people who hung shadow in the tree.] I'm done. Reality check received. Karma handed out.
I'm glad to hear that. Anger is a hellva beast... And it'll annoy the hell outta her.
[Raylan had those dips, where he was sure that he had it all under control and dealt with but then something happens and the fury flames back to life, easy as breathing.]
What do you plan on doin' with the rest of your evenin'.
Nah, just wanted to make sure I wasn't keepin' you from somethin'. Nothin' on my evenin' schedules outside of some light readin' to go with my whiskey and my cat.
Every once and a while I consider countin' all these damned stars but then I get around to worryin' that they're not real in the first place. I can't tell you how much I miss sunlight.
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She continues to listen quietly, glancing at him thoughtfully. ]
That's good, because guilty as charged.
[ she laughs softly, but her expression quickly turns contemplative. ]
But isn't pain supposed to remind you that you're still alive? I mean I've done stints both alive and dead and keeping yourself from going numb during the former is challenging enough. Taking away something physical like pain would be like taking the enjoyment out of making love to somebody. Sure, it takes time to heal, but doesn't everything?
[ she doesn't realize how deep that comes across, but it felt right saying. ]
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I heard that a lot the last time I got shot at home.
[He focuses again and looks over to meet her eyes.]
But I've had my share of that pain and if we're bein' real honest here, Laura, I'm not gonna turn down the chance to not be afraid of some shit goin' down. Not bein' afraid that I'm gonna die in some cave with a broken leg in on some strange planet that I'll never be found on. We're not invincible, I know that - but it's as close to it as I'll ever get. It's a.. a freedom. The pain of the toll is exactly that. The exchange. The bill.
.. I imagine Gaius's bill will come due at some point. I don't think I'll be sorry.
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she meets his eyes and keeps them fixed, something in them that feels almost familiar, if not quite the same.
laura nods a little. ]
I can understand that. Works well for physical pain and trust me, I'll be giving it some thought. At least for this.
[ meaning her face. she pauses and her brow furrows curiously. ]
What about the other kinds of pain? Does it fix that, too?
[ there's no ill meant towards asking. she's gone through a lot and if there was some promise of protection against the thoughts that like to creep in at night.. well. ]
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No. Nothin' fixes that. [Hen wishes he could say more about that but that was it. That was the raw truth of it.]
And it doesn't mean I don't feel physical pain, just that I heal rapidly. I broke a leg in a cave in durin' that cave port. Sure as hell felt that. It'll get put to a real test the next time I get into a fist fight with someone though.
If it's what you need to remind you that you're alive, then that's okay. I'm self aware enough to understand the.. changes in my perspective here that have grown over time.
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she winces at hearing about his broken leg. her pain came with tolling during that cave port so she relates. still, there's a flash of satisfaction that comes with hoping malcolm at least felt the punch. ]
Yeah, I've been told experience does do that. For what it's worth, I'd love to be front-row center to see that fight. I'll get out my pom poms and wave my Go Raylan Go banner.
[ laura gives him a nod and a sassy little grin. ]
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That's sweet of ya. I'll try to make sure it's some where public, just for you, beautiful.
[He wanted to touch her, brush a finger down her cheek, kiss her head or something - and they were comfortable right now, but he didn't know how far that reached.]
Can I ask you somethin'? Now that we don't have alien hippie bugs floatin' around.
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the reaction is a hand settling on his thigh, which then sparks a sense of worry deep down when he brings up wanting to ask her something. did she read that wrong? ]
Yeah, anything.
[ she leaves her hand where it is and nods. ]
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I enjoyed the night I spent with you. More than is polite for me to say, but - [He wets his lips a little.]
That.. that somethin' that I should put away as one good night, or- You and Red are-
[He was floundering a little but just because he didn't want to imply the wrong thing.]
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We've slept together, but him and I aren't.. exclusive if that's what you mean.
[ she cares about the leprechaun, all the shitty things that have happened and all that they've both done to each other aside.
laura shifts, the movement bringing her face a little closer to his and she looks into his eyes. her expression is soft. ]
Did you want it to be something more than just one good night?
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I'm in no place to be anythin' to anyone other than a night of fun, darlin'. I'll take the fun, but-
[His face twitches in a passing furrow.] That's all I got to offer right now. I got.. shit I'm workin' through, and I'm not lookin' to fuck someone else up like that.
[He hoped she would understand what he meant by all that. He would be more than happy to have her in his bed now and then, but that was all it could be. Friends with benefits - if she wanted that.]
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laura smiles at him easily, maybe even a touch relieved before deciding on her own impromptu move: a gentle, lingering kiss on his lips, before looking at him again. ]
That's good because I'm a hot mess, too, and you don't deserve that.
[ but really, she was scared to death to even think of falling in love with someone like him. he already made her feel on top of the world and that's a long way to fall if it didn't work out.
she nods. ]
But fun we can keep on doing. I'd like that.
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His hand shifts to cup her cheek for a moment before he smiles warmly and nods.]
I'd like that too. And I've got a pretty impressive tub that screams for someone to lounge in it properly. You seem like a long bath kinda lady.
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Especially later in the evenings. [ she grins between them. ] Are you sure? I might abuse a privilege like that.
[ in which case "fun" could happen a little more often than not. ]
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I'm sure. I don't use it nearly often enough and someone oughta enjoy it. Especially if you're out here gettin' cut up like this in your spare time. I even got candles that are gatherin' dust.
[He also like the idea of people he cared about puttering around his space.]
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Alright, don't say I didn't warn ya because I do really love a long hot bath. [ she gives him a big smile that's followed by a soft laugh. this might actually be the happiest he's seen her besides the night he showed her his beach. ] I promise I'll call ahead first.
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I'd appreciate that. I got no idea what my new normal is really gonna look like and I need to figure that out too.
I don't need to leave room in for you strikin' back out at Kikimora, right?
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the question has her gaze shifting past him and she shrugs a shoulder up. ]
No. I'm not that kind of angry anymore. [ the angry laura that would have caught the little bitch and tore her to pieces like she did all those faceless people who hung shadow in the tree.] I'm done. Reality check received. Karma handed out.
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I'm glad to hear that. Anger is a hellva beast... And it'll annoy the hell outta her.
[Raylan had those dips, where he was sure that he had it all under control and dealt with but then something happens and the fury flames back to life, easy as breathing.]
What do you plan on doin' with the rest of your evenin'.
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Nothing really planned. I'm good if you need to get going though.
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[ those kinds of words don't come very often, but she means them. truly. ]
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[He looks up out into the inky black.]
Every once and a while I consider countin' all these damned stars but then I get around to worryin' that they're not real in the first place. I can't tell you how much I miss sunlight.