I really do promise you can't say anything that will ruin my day, Raylan.
[He might be young, but the innocence has been beaten out of him over the last year; it's not only his humanity that has been stolen by all the blood he's bathed in. He shakes his head.]
-- In my experience, it's worse thinking about what you've lost when you're alone.
[It's several decks down from Gonou's cabin, and it'll take him a few minutes to get there; he knocks politely on the door frame as he arrives, before pushing the door open.
He's his usual buttoned-up self, fall of hair almost obscuring his eyepatch, beige slacks and a collared shirt with long sleeves. Still, there's concern in his eye.]
[The door was already halfway open but the single room was dark, faint light coming from the windows that didn't look out into the hall despite being on that wall casting along the 70's wood paneling and bloodstained, muddy red looking carpets, barely touching the expanded kitchen area that sat directly across from the door. The only other two doors were easy to guess - a closet with a sliding door and the bathroom door which was also left open.
But it was clean, bed made and Raylan grunts from Gonou's left to draw his attention before lifting his US Deputy Marshal starred coffee mug.]
You found the right door, congratulations. Come on in. [Raylan pushes to his feet - he was fully dressed, if a little messy with his hair, flannel shirt with it's arms rolled to the elbow open to show the ribbed undershirt underneath and as always, those wingtipped boots.]
You drink? [Either way, Raylan was gonna go grab him a cup. He only had 3 but they were still all serviceable.]
I drink. [He's getting a rapid education in his own alcohol tolerance, in fact, and has not yet discovered its limits. He clears his throat with a quirk of a smile.]
... Unless you're from a world where the drinking age is twenty-one, I suppose?
[He does remember that much from the university. Although the idea's a little ridiculous, in his opinion.
He glances around Raylan's room with a hint of curiosity as he steps in. It's a nice room: not fancy, the furnishings are worn and the carpet is badly stained with something he thinks might be blood, but it has a large kitchen and several windows.]
[Raylan spun the mug around on his finger as he ambled back to the small round table and the two chairs that were on either side, setting it down on the table with a crooked and still somehow empty grin, it didn't reach his eyes, more like a face following muscle memory.]
I am but I'm also from the hills. We make our own rules. I was drinkin' moonshine at 17. Not well and I threw most of it into a plant nearby, but no one found that out, so I still got all the credit.
[As he spoke, he spun the cap off the bottle and pours a good few fingers into the new mug. Sitting himself down, he topped off his own and sat back, one leg crossing over the other.]
'Sides, we're all goin' through some shit and there's no one here to chastise me. You're old enough.
A "drinking age" was a new idea for me in that breach in any case.
[He accepts the mug, taking a small polite sip. The harsh burn of liquor is, he has to admit, more to his taste than the fancy mix of fruit flavors Trevor had made him.
After a moment, he takes the seat across the table and looks over at Raylan.]
Used to be lower but then the Federal Government decided it probably better do somethin' about that, considerin' how many drunk drivers were on the road.
[If you cut Raylan, he'd bleed, but it would probably also be half whiskey.
The question had Raylan bowing his head, lips tight and softly downturned at the corners.]
Whadd'ya think about these breaches. In regards to an individual, how much of us is in these people we become.
It was only my first breach, so I really can't speak with authority. But I think I was still myself -- in a life that had gone very differently, without having met the people who changed mine, in a kinder world than my own.
So it's not as if I look at that person and think, "we're the same."
I do think... that I could have been that person, though. Not as who I am now, but -- if things had been that way.
[Raylan nods faintly, tilting his mug slightly as his lips pursed.]
An' how much of that person was in your control? [He shifts forward little, straightening from his slouch.] B told me once, when I asked him somethin' similar, that he feels that the root us, the us that's here, are somehow.. in the backseat, subtly influencin' things.
Tim couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I had no say in anythin' Francis did. And I- Just can't find a spot that I overlooked where I might have.. chosen a flavor of influence.
I think I can say that I don't feel as if this "me" was in any way in control.
Except in the sense that that person was also me in certain ways.
[If he'd been in control -- no, he wouldn't have made some of the choices that Zhu Bajie had made. Some of them... feel like choices he might be open to. Some of them feel like cruel mockery of his real self. None of them were choices that Cho Gonou had made.]
I'm sorry-- do you mean that your fight was about things that you had done during the breach?
[He hummed with soft nod of his head as the consideration of the mug finally made it all the way to his mouth and down his throat in one shot.]
With him havin' no idea what my actual collage experience was because he didn't wanna hear it, he- [He sighed out his nose and grabbed the bottle again, sucking his teeth as he poured himself more.]
We're both grown, no matter how much more grown I got on you, but Francis was not exactly a prude or overly careful with his intimacies. [ It was the most delicate way he could put it and even talking about it to a guy who was more than 20 years younger than him was weird but Gonuou had a level head.]
He took exception to it. So I'm- [The mug is turned back and forth in his fingertips.] Tryin' to figure out where it all went sideways.
[Carefully neutral, because being too openly incredulous about this would likely upset Raylan:] He was upset about the fact that a version of you who was half your current age, remembered a different childhood, and didn't remember any connection to him was sleeping around on campus?
Ah-- Raylan, I'll be honest. I'm not the sort of person who wouldn't feel jealous if my lover took too much interest in someone else.
[And there is a part of him that feels, even though Zhu Bajie hadn't been intimate with anyone, that his dedication to rescuing Jedao had been, in a strange way, unfaithful to Kanan.
But she hadn't existed in his memories then. Nothing could really have been a betrayal.]
I still think that it's ridiculous to react that way. Did he expect you to be faithful without remembering him?
Alls I know is that he wanted that - all of it, everythin' it entailed- [Drunk or not, Raylan would never get explicit. He was raised better then that.] He felt anyone that had seen it would have some.. Feel some right to it..
Which is ironic on it's own; my office was.. [He let out a bitter little laugh and rubbed at his eyes.]
Once upon a time, a very stupid man let his ex-wife walk back in and restarted a doomed relationship that resulted, eventually, in my little girl. But she left me two months into the pregnancy, with a two sentence note to welcome me home from a long and dangerous day of work. The office knew she left before I did. They knew.. everythin' I ended up doin' for one reason or another. Knew when my last girlfriend ripped up ten thousand dollars for her goddamned husband- [He stopped himself and took a deep breath and a fairly controlled sip of his whiskey.]
Like I said. This is just. Par for my courses.
[He did not expect and staunchly did not want pity, which was why he didn't talk about it normally. Gonou had just caught him in one of his worse periods.]
[Gonou isn't, perhaps, very well equipped to offer pity over bad relationships. He makes a soft noise of acknowledgment, instead, and sips whiskey from his own mug to give Raylan's litany a moment to hang in the air.
After the moment has passed, he sets the mug back down on the table.]
... It sounds to me as though you tend to give your heart to people who won't take care with it, Raylan.
It doesn't make you stupid.
But I think you deserve to take better care of yourself than that.
Raylan emptied his cup again. How many had this been? When was the last time he slept or ate? It didn't matter, really. There was no real work to distract him and the chickens were easy to mind, no matter his state.
A few days from now, some broken ribs would throw a huge wrench into all this self loathing and abuse anyway.]
If I were any more careful, I'd be a virgin. Life is fulla heartbreak and betrayal, G. That's just the way it is.
Happiness of any kind oughta be grabbed and held onto while it's there, 'fore it slips out of your fingers like a fist full of sand in the water.
I'll be fine, if that's what you're worried about. Ain't the first time I've been left. Ain't gonna be the last.
If it's not the stuff in our control, it's the stuff outta it. Never-endin'.
[He couldn't stop himself from cheersing back before huffing a breath and biting at his bottom lip.]
Maybe it makes me desperate. Or stupid. Or a... sad mix of both.
But it's worth it. In my opinion. Too much ugliness and heartbreak out there to let it slip by. We all deserve some happiness, no matter how fleeting it is. Makes everything else.. worth it.
[Softly, a little wry:] But it's hard to lose, when you lose it.
Still, I hope you manage to find some happiness again soon. [He quirks a brief smile at Raylan. There's no need to add, with someone who'll treat you well; it would, he suspects, only come off as an insult to the most recent lost love. And there's no real proof, it sounds like, that Tim had even meant to leave.
It is. [There was nothing easy about it. Nothing easy about life. Only easy thing were those stolen moments of ease where a soul could dare to take a full breath and not feel some kind of way about it.]
Mm,[Came the hum, the polite, warm bob and lift of his features.] I ain't dead yet, right?
[It wouldn't have been taken as an insult. In truth, he knew it was abuse, just like it had been with Winona but saying it, accepting it in the forefront was unthinkable. Too many variables and none of which would ever find him on top of them in terms of power.
And he hates that Gonou knows it.]
Besides, I can't complain. Whiskey keeps me warm. Could be worse. He coulda stolen my hat. [The remark was given a little airily as he took another drink, swallowing down the less than kind sentiment.]
[Unlike the inmates. But it's uncharitable to think that, Gonou supposes: he, like the other inmates, has been given the chance to live again. Whether or not he chooses to take any of the opportunities that gives him... is his choice.
Some he will, he's sure. Others, he's not as sure. Opening himself up to the vulnerabilities of love, even if it didn't feel like a betrayal of Kanan's very recent memory, may be too much vulnerability to endure.
After a moment, he forces himself to match Raylan's airy tone, and adds:]
It most definitely is. Also where I keep all my feelin's, doubts and worries. S'why it's gotta be a Stetson, you see.
[This, this he could do. Pretend like it was all fine, like he could move and breathe normally, like he needed to prove to himself that he could still do that. Always the exercise of seeing if he remembered how to ride that specific bike.]
I never got around to askin' before; kinda rude, but considerin' how far into all this we are.. It alright if I ask what happened to your eye? You store all your shit under that eyepatch?
Ah yes, it needs to be large enough to make sure none of the feelings escape. [Gonou nods, very seriously, but his smile falters slightly at the question about his eye. He lifts one hand to his cheek, fingers brushing the lower edge of the patch.]
I... gave it away.
Mostly it was just to convince someone to get out of my way. It did work.
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[He might be young, but the innocence has been beaten out of him over the last year; it's not only his humanity that has been stolen by all the blood he's bathed in. He shakes his head.]
-- In my experience, it's worse thinking about what you've lost when you're alone.
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I ain't tellin' you no to company, just.. [There was a deep breath.]
Warnin' you I'm shit company right now.
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Deck 8, cabin 7. Shitty Red door. It'll be open.
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He's his usual buttoned-up self, fall of hair almost obscuring his eyepatch, beige slacks and a collared shirt with long sleeves. Still, there's concern in his eye.]
Raylan?
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But it was clean, bed made and Raylan grunts from Gonou's left to draw his attention before lifting his US Deputy Marshal starred coffee mug.]
You found the right door, congratulations. Come on in. [Raylan pushes to his feet - he was fully dressed, if a little messy with his hair, flannel shirt with it's arms rolled to the elbow open to show the ribbed undershirt underneath and as always, those wingtipped boots.]
You drink? [Either way, Raylan was gonna go grab him a cup. He only had 3 but they were still all serviceable.]
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... Unless you're from a world where the drinking age is twenty-one, I suppose?
[He does remember that much from the university. Although the idea's a little ridiculous, in his opinion.
He glances around Raylan's room with a hint of curiosity as he steps in. It's a nice room: not fancy, the furnishings are worn and the carpet is badly stained with something he thinks might be blood, but it has a large kitchen and several windows.]
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I am but I'm also from the hills. We make our own rules. I was drinkin' moonshine at 17. Not well and I threw most of it into a plant nearby, but no one found that out, so I still got all the credit.
[As he spoke, he spun the cap off the bottle and pours a good few fingers into the new mug. Sitting himself down, he topped off his own and sat back, one leg crossing over the other.]
'Sides, we're all goin' through some shit and there's no one here to chastise me. You're old enough.
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[He accepts the mug, taking a small polite sip. The harsh burn of liquor is, he has to admit, more to his taste than the fancy mix of fruit flavors Trevor had made him.
After a moment, he takes the seat across the table and looks over at Raylan.]
So. Would you like to talk about it?
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[If you cut Raylan, he'd bleed, but it would probably also be half whiskey.
The question had Raylan bowing his head, lips tight and softly downturned at the corners.]
Whadd'ya think about these breaches. In regards to an individual, how much of us is in these people we become.
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So it's not as if I look at that person and think, "we're the same."
I do think... that I could have been that person, though. Not as who I am now, but -- if things had been that way.
Why?
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An' how much of that person was in your control? [He shifts forward little, straightening from his slouch.] B told me once, when I asked him somethin' similar, that he feels that the root us, the us that's here, are somehow.. in the backseat, subtly influencin' things.
Tim couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I had no say in anythin' Francis did. And I- Just can't find a spot that I overlooked where I might have.. chosen a flavor of influence.
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Except in the sense that that person was also me in certain ways.
[If he'd been in control -- no, he wouldn't have made some of the choices that Zhu Bajie had made. Some of them... feel like choices he might be open to. Some of them feel like cruel mockery of his real self. None of them were choices that Cho Gonou had made.]
I'm sorry-- do you mean that your fight was about things that you had done during the breach?
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With him havin' no idea what my actual collage experience was because he didn't wanna hear it, he- [He sighed out his nose and grabbed the bottle again, sucking his teeth as he poured himself more.]
We're both grown, no matter how much more grown I got on you, but Francis was not exactly a prude or overly careful with his intimacies. [ It was the most delicate way he could put it and even talking about it to a guy who was more than 20 years younger than him was weird but Gonuou had a level head.]
He took exception to it. So I'm- [The mug is turned back and forth in his fingertips.] Tryin' to figure out where it all went sideways.
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Ah-- Raylan, I'll be honest. I'm not the sort of person who wouldn't feel jealous if my lover took too much interest in someone else.
[And there is a part of him that feels, even though Zhu Bajie hadn't been intimate with anyone, that his dedication to rescuing Jedao had been, in a strange way, unfaithful to Kanan.
But she hadn't existed in his memories then. Nothing could really have been a betrayal.]
I still think that it's ridiculous to react that way. Did he expect you to be faithful without remembering him?
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Which is ironic on it's own; my office was.. [He let out a bitter little laugh and rubbed at his eyes.]
Once upon a time, a very stupid man let his ex-wife walk back in and restarted a doomed relationship that resulted, eventually, in my little girl. But she left me two months into the pregnancy, with a two sentence note to welcome me home from a long and dangerous day of work. The office knew she left before I did. They knew.. everythin' I ended up doin' for one reason or another. Knew when my last girlfriend ripped up ten thousand dollars for her goddamned husband- [He stopped himself and took a deep breath and a fairly controlled sip of his whiskey.]
Like I said. This is just. Par for my courses.
[He did not expect and staunchly did not want pity, which was why he didn't talk about it normally. Gonou had just caught him in one of his worse periods.]
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After the moment has passed, he sets the mug back down on the table.]
... It sounds to me as though you tend to give your heart to people who won't take care with it, Raylan.
It doesn't make you stupid.
But I think you deserve to take better care of yourself than that.
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Raylan emptied his cup again. How many had this been? When was the last time he slept or ate? It didn't matter, really. There was no real work to distract him and the chickens were easy to mind, no matter his state.
A few days from now, some broken ribs would throw a huge wrench into all this self loathing and abuse anyway.]
If I were any more careful, I'd be a virgin. Life is fulla heartbreak and betrayal, G. That's just the way it is.
Happiness of any kind oughta be grabbed and held onto while it's there, 'fore it slips out of your fingers like a fist full of sand in the water.
I'll be fine, if that's what you're worried about. Ain't the first time I've been left. Ain't gonna be the last.
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[He'd chosen to love someone who he knew would never betray him, and he'd lost her anyway in the end. There are no guarantees.]
But that's all the more reason to be careful. I think I'd rather not snatch for happiness if I know it's going to dissolve in my hands, myself.
[With a tiny quirk of a smile, lifting his mug to salute Raylan, he murmurs:]
Perhaps that makes you braver than I am.
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[He couldn't stop himself from cheersing back before huffing a breath and biting at his bottom lip.]
Maybe it makes me desperate. Or stupid. Or a... sad mix of both.
But it's worth it. In my opinion. Too much ugliness and heartbreak out there to let it slip by. We all deserve some happiness, no matter how fleeting it is. Makes everything else.. worth it.
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Still, I hope you manage to find some happiness again soon. [He quirks a brief smile at Raylan. There's no need to add, with someone who'll treat you well; it would, he suspects, only come off as an insult to the most recent lost love. And there's no real proof, it sounds like, that Tim had even meant to leave.
People do disappear.]
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Mm,[Came the hum, the polite, warm bob and lift of his features.] I ain't dead yet, right?
[It wouldn't have been taken as an insult. In truth, he knew it was abuse, just like it had been with Winona but saying it, accepting it in the forefront was unthinkable. Too many variables and none of which would ever find him on top of them in terms of power.
And he hates that Gonou knows it.]
Besides, I can't complain. Whiskey keeps me warm. Could be worse. He coulda stolen my hat. [The remark was given a little airily as he took another drink, swallowing down the less than kind sentiment.]
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[Unlike the inmates. But it's uncharitable to think that, Gonou supposes: he, like the other inmates, has been given the chance to live again. Whether or not he chooses to take any of the opportunities that gives him... is his choice.
Some he will, he's sure. Others, he's not as sure. Opening himself up to the vulnerabilities of love, even if it didn't feel like a betrayal of Kanan's very recent memory, may be too much vulnerability to endure.
After a moment, he forces himself to match Raylan's airy tone, and adds:]
Ah, is the hat the source of your powers, then?
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[This, this he could do. Pretend like it was all fine, like he could move and breathe normally, like he needed to prove to himself that he could still do that. Always the exercise of seeing if he remembered how to ride that specific bike.]
I never got around to askin' before; kinda rude, but considerin' how far into all this we are.. It alright if I ask what happened to your eye? You store all your shit under that eyepatch?
cw discussion of self-inflicted eye injury
I... gave it away.
Mostly it was just to convince someone to get out of my way. It did work.
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holy hell, im so sorry this got lost
No worries! <3
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