[He let a beat or two pass and spoke softly when he starts up again, eyes watching the line of Tim's shoulders.]
I'm not tryin' to talk you into goin' back, Tim. If you wanna quit then- [he lifted and dropped his free hand back down to his waist.] That's what you wanna do.
But I don't think you're that.. I dunno. Useless because our world is objectively Not Shiny compared to everyone else's. We're.. We wouldn't have been offered this chance if we couldn't effect some change, is all. Don't you think?
I used to think that. [ Tim said in agreement with Raylan's latter point and his question. But in the next breath the young sniper's face slid into something that expressed genuine confusion. ]
But then the shit happened with Envy and I learned that even at my most skilled, in my zone if you will, I was useless against him. Follow-up with Elias and Jon and their shit, not only was I useless to stop any of it, I was made into a weapon against people I care about; I was a liability.
[ It was Tim's turn to shrug as he focused on getting the thighs onto a broiling pan, hands shaking slightly. He had to stop, makes a fist over and over then go back to his work with his head still down. ]
Pagan didn't say anything that wasn't fair. I'm huffing my own farts thinking that I bring anything to the table. Even the skill set I could rely upon back home doesn't function here. [ Taking a deep breath, Tim let his hands rest on either side of the broiler pan, still staring at the chicken but with a gaze that was a million miles away. ]
Haven't felt this out of water, this much of a liability, since I got back from the Sandbox. Before I headed to the Marshal Service.
['Used to' had Raylan's brow twitching towards a worried furrow, something that settled in at Tim's shaking and flexing hands. Stepping forward, Raylan put himself behind Tim's left shoulder and tried to settle his hands on Tim's waist.
This was the dangerous part. The out of water part, the part where Raylan didn't know what Tim was like when he was twisted up this way. The part where Raylan didn't know if he'd be casted off or pushed away or worse to follow. But if Tim didn't react or react negatively, he'd slid his hands the rest of the way around him.]
It might be a fair opinion to have, but that doesn't make him right, darlin'. [Raylan kept his tone in the low, soft, lovers whisper.] What happened, with Envy, with the Entities. None of that was your fault. None of that was a failing on you. You-- [If Tim would let him, Raylan would turn him around by the waist.]
Just because the shit you saw out there ain't the shit that they saw out here doesn't make it any less important, ugly, or heartbreakingly damaging. It doesn't invalidate it or make it worthless.
You always have been and always will be an asset to whatever you set your mind to.
[ Tim didn't react with any level of physicality as Raylan closed the distance and folded himself into the sniper's space. He allowed himself to be guided by strong hands, settled by his lover's low, throaty drawl so that by the time he turned into the older man, Tim exhaled a deep breath and laid his head against Raylan's chest. ]
I was telling myself that. [ He admitted, in a low voice. ] Spent a lot of quiet nights on Flotilla wrestling with what happened; particularly with the Entities. Thought I was out of that mire.
[ Taking another deep breath, Tim lifted his arms to wrap them around Raylan but was careful not to put his chicken smeared fingers on the older man. ]
It was how Pagan said what he said. Like until he told me about his so much greater negative experience, all the shit you and I know about what happens to men in Supermax, and SHU ... it didn't matter. Yeah, I get that he's an asshole and being a patronizing asshole is a default setting but it was like being kicked back down and everything I thought I had sorted reared back up and the ground I'd made became quicksand.
[Raylan's aura 'relaxed', the dark swirling blues and purples lightening like a breath let out as Tim uses his chest as a headrest. He didn't care about the chicken fingers or the salmonella that might be on it, relieved that he was being allowed to step in here, allowed to see Tim's struggle and frustration, allowed to give him space enough to get it out instead of bottling things up like they both tended to do when they were at home alone and in their own heads.
When Tim wraps around him, Raylan tightens the encirclement of the sniper and drops his lips to press into Tim's hair as he listens. It tugged painfully at all the soft parts of him that could do nothing to fix Tim's situation beyond be there.]
Yeah. Tough to keep shit level on top when its all shiftin' sands underneath. We really got thrown into the deep end here, didn't we.
[The thumb of his left hand starts brushing back and forth softly.]
No one's gonna fault you feelin' some kinda way. And if they do, then they're also assholes and their opinion doesn't matter.
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no subject
I'm not tryin' to talk you into goin' back, Tim. If you wanna quit then- [he lifted and dropped his free hand back down to his waist.] That's what you wanna do.
But I don't think you're that.. I dunno. Useless because our world is objectively Not Shiny compared to everyone else's. We're.. We wouldn't have been offered this chance if we couldn't effect some change, is all. Don't you think?
no subject
But then the shit happened with Envy and I learned that even at my most skilled, in my zone if you will, I was useless against him. Follow-up with Elias and Jon and their shit, not only was I useless to stop any of it, I was made into a weapon against people I care about; I was a liability.
[ It was Tim's turn to shrug as he focused on getting the thighs onto a broiling pan, hands shaking slightly. He had to stop, makes a fist over and over then go back to his work with his head still down. ]
Pagan didn't say anything that wasn't fair. I'm huffing my own farts thinking that I bring anything to the table. Even the skill set I could rely upon back home doesn't function here. [ Taking a deep breath, Tim let his hands rest on either side of the broiler pan, still staring at the chicken but with a gaze that was a million miles away. ]
Haven't felt this out of water, this much of a liability, since I got back from the Sandbox. Before I headed to the Marshal Service.
no subject
This was the dangerous part. The out of water part, the part where Raylan didn't know what Tim was like when he was twisted up this way. The part where Raylan didn't know if he'd be casted off or pushed away
or worse to follow. But if Tim didn't react or react negatively, he'd slid his hands the rest of the way around him.]It might be a fair opinion to have, but that doesn't make him right, darlin'. [Raylan kept his tone in the low, soft, lovers whisper.] What happened, with Envy, with the Entities. None of that was your fault. None of that was a failing on you. You-- [If Tim would let him, Raylan would turn him around by the waist.]
Just because the shit you saw out there ain't the shit that they saw out here doesn't make it any less important, ugly, or heartbreakingly damaging. It doesn't invalidate it or make it worthless.
You always have been and always will be an asset to whatever you set your mind to.
no subject
I was telling myself that. [ He admitted, in a low voice. ] Spent a lot of quiet nights on Flotilla wrestling with what happened; particularly with the Entities. Thought I was out of that mire.
[ Taking another deep breath, Tim lifted his arms to wrap them around Raylan but was careful not to put his chicken smeared fingers on the older man. ]
It was how Pagan said what he said. Like until he told me about his so much greater negative experience, all the shit you and I know about what happens to men in Supermax, and SHU ... it didn't matter. Yeah, I get that he's an asshole and being a patronizing asshole is a default setting but it was like being kicked back down and everything I thought I had sorted reared back up and the ground I'd made became quicksand.
Goddamn fucking rollercoaster.
no subject
When Tim wraps around him, Raylan tightens the encirclement of the sniper and drops his lips to press into Tim's hair as he listens. It tugged painfully at all the soft parts of him that could do nothing to fix Tim's situation beyond be there.]
Yeah. Tough to keep shit level on top when its all shiftin' sands underneath. We really got thrown into the deep end here, didn't we.
[The thumb of his left hand starts brushing back and forth softly.]
No one's gonna fault you feelin' some kinda way. And if they do, then they're also assholes and their opinion doesn't matter.