[Raylan is in his kitchen when the call comes through and the question stops him from greeting Malcolm like he normally would, one deeply taken breath sighed out his nose before he nods and props his phone onto the counter.]
I suppose, but I'm gettin' a drink and I don't wanna hear any guff about it. [Which he set about to doing immediately.]
Willa ain't home right now, otherwise I'd be invitin' myself over. She doesn't need to know about this.
No. A testament to her not goin' through my things though - I've still got my wedding ring and the necklace he and I gave each other in a box on my dresser. She doesn't even really know that I'm-.. the way that I am.
There just hasn't been any good place to open that can of worms. I'm not specifically keeping it from her, I just can't find a good time. And I don't know how important it is for her to know, anyway.
Exactly. [That and he was not ready to start worrying about if she was out there doing something that might end up with her pregnant. She was only baby still. He hadn't gotten any real time.]
I.. [He pours himself some whiskey and sets the bottle off to the side, each movement one of ritual, not continuing until he had it in his hand.]
It's not exactly a secret to you that I wasn't doin' well after James left. And I put off goin' home for as long as I could. But one night, about four, four and a half months ago, I was in a bad way and I asked Jedao to run me back there, to see him. He was.. in a bad way. He couldn't-.. he couldn't handle the new set of rules, the way city life demands people act-
[He turns his glass on the countertop.]
I'm sure that if I had been there- [If he had been there, he could have been helpful. Useful. It should ring some bells.]
He can't wait for that. Jedao.. I don't know how it works but apparently, he saved Thomas and Miranda somehow. So that's the better place for James. With people that can be there for him when he needs it.
He can't wait for me. ['Won't' fell like the more approriate word but Raylan was trying to be kind. Trying to be understanding.]
[Raylan sighs softly to himself as he lifts his drink and takes a long pull, teeth bearing a little as he swallows it down.]
That's not a two way street I'm on often. An' no matter how I might feel about it, he's made his choices. Proved what's important to him and who ain't.
Except that ain't my life or my luck. And wishin' it was is only gonna make me more bitter and angrier. Sadder.
Better to accept my situation as it is. And it's what I've spent months tryin' to do. Tryin' to find a way to be okay with it. About it. Even here, with a million possibilities-- [He didn't mean to say that. It wasn't good for him to say that. Raylan bites down on it and his lip, shaking his head again.]
I'm alive. Willa's healthy, secure. Makes it to at least 15. It's the only thing I can ask for.
Her bein' healthy and secure doesn't preclude her from bein' more. That's assumed.
Good. I'm glad she is. For her own sake as much as everyone else's. Me bein' a Marshal, Winona bein' a court stenographer that was married to a Marshal for six years, we're all pretty invested in justice. Even if some of her justice is 15 year old justice.
[Even if he didn't understand why Future Raylan is so okay with this whole going to camp thing, but he had to trust himself.]
She's gonna be okay. There's not much I can protect her from anymore. I gotta trust in her ability to protect herself sometimes.
I know. I know it's not.[His voice is soft and a little tired around the edges and his head hangs as he stares into his whiskey glass.
He hadn't meant to imply that just like he hadn't meant to in anyway imply that Willa wasn't anything more than just healthy and secure, and it's feeling a little bit like he's being asked to cover every interpretive possibility.
He empties his glass down his throat.]
Anyway. Now you know about James. The only other person who does is Jedao. No one else needs to be added to that list.
[He wasn't trying to hem Raylan in semantically; he just thought he needed to know that James wasn't the only person he mattered to. That he's needed. That he matters.]
I won't tell your secrets. Just. Don't... resign yourself to being alone, okay? I did that and it was proven wrong when I least expected it. The right person will come along and you'll wish they were always there.
No. But I don't know that I can physically stand hearin' how great I am and talkin' about him hurts my heart. You cared enough to ask; it deserved an answer.
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video
I suppose, but I'm gettin' a drink and I don't wanna hear any guff about it. [Which he set about to doing immediately.]
Willa ain't home right now, otherwise I'd be invitin' myself over. She doesn't need to know about this.
Re: video
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There just hasn't been any good place to open that can of worms. I'm not specifically keeping it from her, I just can't find a good time. And I don't know how important it is for her to know, anyway.
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What happened? How did you... find out that he wasn't... where he promised to be?
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I.. [He pours himself some whiskey and sets the bottle off to the side, each movement one of ritual, not continuing until he had it in his hand.]
It's not exactly a secret to you that I wasn't doin' well after James left. And I put off goin' home for as long as I could. But one night, about four, four and a half months ago, I was in a bad way and I asked Jedao to run me back there, to see him. He was.. in a bad way. He couldn't-.. he couldn't handle the new set of rules, the way city life demands people act-
[He turns his glass on the countertop.]
I'm sure that if I had been there- [If he had been there, he could have been helpful. Useful. It should ring some bells.]
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He can't wait for me. ['Won't' fell like the more approriate word but Raylan was trying to be kind. Trying to be understanding.]
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That's not a two way street I'm on often. An' no matter how I might feel about it, he's made his choices. Proved what's important to him and who ain't.
Really, I oughta be used to this by now.
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Better to accept my situation as it is. And it's what I've spent months tryin' to do. Tryin' to find a way to be okay with it. About it. Even here, with a million possibilities-- [He didn't mean to say that. It wasn't good for him to say that. Raylan bites down on it and his lip, shaking his head again.]
I'm alive. Willa's healthy, secure. Makes it to at least 15. It's the only thing I can ask for.
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Good. I'm glad she is. For her own sake as much as everyone else's. Me bein' a Marshal, Winona bein' a court stenographer that was married to a Marshal for six years, we're all pretty invested in justice. Even if some of her justice is 15 year old justice.
[Even if he didn't understand why Future Raylan is so okay with this whole going to camp thing, but he had to trust himself.]
She's gonna be okay. There's not much I can protect her from anymore. I gotta trust in her ability to protect herself sometimes.
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He hadn't meant to imply that just like he hadn't meant to in anyway imply that Willa wasn't anything more than just healthy and secure, and it's feeling a little bit like he's being asked to cover every interpretive possibility.
He empties his glass down his throat.]
Anyway. Now you know about James. The only other person who does is Jedao. No one else needs to be added to that list.
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I won't tell your secrets. Just. Don't... resign yourself to being alone, okay? I did that and it was proven wrong when I least expected it. The right person will come along and you'll wish they were always there.
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Hard to argue with the future.
But I'll be okay. There's no other choice.
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Now, if you don't have any objection, I'm gonna go sit on James's beach and have a couple of drinks.
I'll talk to you later.
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………Raylan? Did I offend you?
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It's alright.
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