If it's not the stuff in our control, it's the stuff outta it. Never-endin'.
[He couldn't stop himself from cheersing back before huffing a breath and biting at his bottom lip.]
Maybe it makes me desperate. Or stupid. Or a... sad mix of both.
But it's worth it. In my opinion. Too much ugliness and heartbreak out there to let it slip by. We all deserve some happiness, no matter how fleeting it is. Makes everything else.. worth it.
[Softly, a little wry:] But it's hard to lose, when you lose it.
Still, I hope you manage to find some happiness again soon. [He quirks a brief smile at Raylan. There's no need to add, with someone who'll treat you well; it would, he suspects, only come off as an insult to the most recent lost love. And there's no real proof, it sounds like, that Tim had even meant to leave.
It is. [There was nothing easy about it. Nothing easy about life. Only easy thing were those stolen moments of ease where a soul could dare to take a full breath and not feel some kind of way about it.]
Mm,[Came the hum, the polite, warm bob and lift of his features.] I ain't dead yet, right?
[It wouldn't have been taken as an insult. In truth, he knew it was abuse, just like it had been with Winona but saying it, accepting it in the forefront was unthinkable. Too many variables and none of which would ever find him on top of them in terms of power.
And he hates that Gonou knows it.]
Besides, I can't complain. Whiskey keeps me warm. Could be worse. He coulda stolen my hat. [The remark was given a little airily as he took another drink, swallowing down the less than kind sentiment.]
[Unlike the inmates. But it's uncharitable to think that, Gonou supposes: he, like the other inmates, has been given the chance to live again. Whether or not he chooses to take any of the opportunities that gives him... is his choice.
Some he will, he's sure. Others, he's not as sure. Opening himself up to the vulnerabilities of love, even if it didn't feel like a betrayal of Kanan's very recent memory, may be too much vulnerability to endure.
After a moment, he forces himself to match Raylan's airy tone, and adds:]
It most definitely is. Also where I keep all my feelin's, doubts and worries. S'why it's gotta be a Stetson, you see.
[This, this he could do. Pretend like it was all fine, like he could move and breathe normally, like he needed to prove to himself that he could still do that. Always the exercise of seeing if he remembered how to ride that specific bike.]
I never got around to askin' before; kinda rude, but considerin' how far into all this we are.. It alright if I ask what happened to your eye? You store all your shit under that eyepatch?
Ah yes, it needs to be large enough to make sure none of the feelings escape. [Gonou nods, very seriously, but his smile falters slightly at the question about his eye. He lifts one hand to his cheek, fingers brushing the lower edge of the patch.]
I... gave it away.
Mostly it was just to convince someone to get out of my way. It did work.
[Raylan takes a moment to study Gonou's profile. He wasn't going to get weird and incredulous, no 'how could you do that?'. Not with what he already knew of the young man's story.]
A hellva sacrifice. I won't ask if it was worth it - any man give up his eye, it must be worth it.
Not too many issues with depth perception? I've seen folk with glass eyes before but honestly, the patch is the better way to go. Much more.. badass.
Easier to start with somethin' simple. [ The wide world was, well, Wide and vast compared to the unchanging blueprints of the Barge.]
The Admiral, like or not. Your warden. Might be worth considerin'. All this weird tech, space magic, I bet they could get you one that looks real. Or hell, might even work. Everything else the Admiral can do, why not ask for the moon?
Oh, they probably could. But I don't like asking for favors like that.
It's just vanity, anyway, isn't it?
[A little quirk of a smile, and he shrugs at Raylan.]
Unless I ask for a false eye that can really see, and I think that's -- that's going a little too far. It's not as if it was an accident.
[And, in a strange way, he feels as if he doesn't deserve to undo it. It had been an attempt at atonement, in its own way, even if ineffective and unappreciated. He'd been trying to pay for what he'd done.
Something like that can't just be undone with a little favor.]
[Raylan's brow pinches, head bobbing back and forth a little.]
I don't think its vanity. No more than someone who's lost any other limb to have a prosthetic.
[He could have elaborated. Gone on about feeling whole or something, but the truth of it was that he had no idea, beyond 'likely extremely complicated'.]
No. It wasn't. I can- [No Raylan, not 'see', bad taste.] understand why replacing it might be.. a betrayal of the sacrifice of it.
Maybe someday you'll consider it. And there's nothin' lost if you don't. [The last thing Raylan wanted to do was push something unwanted, especially when it was all so sensitive.]
[He ducked his head with his smile, shrugging a little. If you insist. A laugh was good though. He liked hearing it, from anyone.
He let a few beats of silence pass and pointedly doesn't refill Gonou's cup. Not because he was encouraging anyone to leave, but Gonou was young. And he had already been hitting it pretty hard.]
I got paired with Roman before the breech. Who'd you get set up with?
[Gonou's not necessarily expecting a refill; he's also sober as a judge, despite the rather large amount of whiskey he's downed. He's occasionally achieved a minor, transitory tipsiness, in his experimentation with alcohol so far, and it takes enough liquor to make it happen that he's not going to expect anyone to serve him that much of their good stuff.
He's fairly sure he can't get drunk for the same reason that he'd been able to heal from a belly wound that should have been a death sentence, and he's not planning to dwell on those or any other effects becoming youkai might have had on him. He simply curls his hands around the empty cup, instead, running his thumb absently over the edge of the handle.]
Connor. I believe he only recently graduated? He seems nice enough. If -- very literal.
Ah. The detective AI. I've met him but only the once. [He nods.] Sense I got of him was a good one.
An' I got plenty'a fiction to support him bein' otherwise, but I got enough sense to know better than to trust the stories. Each man to his own story.. No matter where he comes from. I hope y'all get on well.
Fiction about robots. Many many different stories. Some good, some bad.
But yeah, AI, Artificial intelligence. Very controversial, even in my time and smartest robots we got are our phones. Nothin' as.. developed or advanced as anything close to what Connor's ancestors were based off of.
Though I feel like it's impolite to say such a thing to him, no matter how factual it might be.
I don't think we have any kind of robots where I'm from, advanced or simple. In fact, I hadn't realized that's what Connor was. We have some stories about them, but nothing much...
[He shrugs, eyebrows flicking up.]
But then, we have all kinds of creatures here, beyond just the human.
Here, we've got the whole gamut, aside from the religious extremes but I also haven't meet everyone. Plent'a opportunity to be wrong.
Robots got nothin' on Vampires or mermaids or werewolves. Fairies, hell. But there's more humans than just you and I, so I don't feel any particular kind of way about it.
S'all mythos and legend to me and I figure all them stories have a base somewhere. Maybe we're just getting to see those bases.
Not that I've seen, although she may save those for special occasions.
There are really surprisingly few devils in the Bible, to be fair. In my world, the youkai fill that gap.
[He toys absently with the mug, rolling it between his hands. He doesn't mind talking about youkai, but there's an edge to it, with someone who believes he's still human.]
Youkai? Anythin' like whomever you're talkin about? Who are you talkin' about, by the way? I'd like to be able to be aware before I start takin' up conversations. Least we can thank the collage stint for that - catches me up a little bit on rules and general regulations.
No, very different. I'm talking about Makima when I mention the demon. Youkai are... perhaps the best way to put it is, a different species, although they can be more different from one another than any of them are from us. They have certain powers and slightly different appearances.
[His words are picked with care, and his enunciation precise; he's uncomfortable with the topic. He's also, clearly, very sober despite rapidly killing a mug full of whiskey.]
[Raylan was starting to come around to noticing that sobrity - there wasn't a lax smile, no slurring of words and while he himself might be well on his way towards drunk, that didn't stop his mind from working .]
Oh? I'd be interested if you're willin' to elaborate.
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[He couldn't stop himself from cheersing back before huffing a breath and biting at his bottom lip.]
Maybe it makes me desperate. Or stupid. Or a... sad mix of both.
But it's worth it. In my opinion. Too much ugliness and heartbreak out there to let it slip by. We all deserve some happiness, no matter how fleeting it is. Makes everything else.. worth it.
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Still, I hope you manage to find some happiness again soon. [He quirks a brief smile at Raylan. There's no need to add, with someone who'll treat you well; it would, he suspects, only come off as an insult to the most recent lost love. And there's no real proof, it sounds like, that Tim had even meant to leave.
People do disappear.]
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Mm,[Came the hum, the polite, warm bob and lift of his features.] I ain't dead yet, right?
[It wouldn't have been taken as an insult. In truth, he knew it was abuse, just like it had been with Winona but saying it, accepting it in the forefront was unthinkable. Too many variables and none of which would ever find him on top of them in terms of power.
And he hates that Gonou knows it.]
Besides, I can't complain. Whiskey keeps me warm. Could be worse. He coulda stolen my hat. [The remark was given a little airily as he took another drink, swallowing down the less than kind sentiment.]
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[Unlike the inmates. But it's uncharitable to think that, Gonou supposes: he, like the other inmates, has been given the chance to live again. Whether or not he chooses to take any of the opportunities that gives him... is his choice.
Some he will, he's sure. Others, he's not as sure. Opening himself up to the vulnerabilities of love, even if it didn't feel like a betrayal of Kanan's very recent memory, may be too much vulnerability to endure.
After a moment, he forces himself to match Raylan's airy tone, and adds:]
Ah, is the hat the source of your powers, then?
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[This, this he could do. Pretend like it was all fine, like he could move and breathe normally, like he needed to prove to himself that he could still do that. Always the exercise of seeing if he remembered how to ride that specific bike.]
I never got around to askin' before; kinda rude, but considerin' how far into all this we are.. It alright if I ask what happened to your eye? You store all your shit under that eyepatch?
cw discussion of self-inflicted eye injury
I... gave it away.
Mostly it was just to convince someone to get out of my way. It did work.
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A hellva sacrifice. I won't ask if it was worth it - any man give up his eye, it must be worth it.
Not too many issues with depth perception? I've seen folk with glass eyes before but honestly, the patch is the better way to go. Much more.. badass.
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So I haven't had to navigate at any distance further than one edge of the deck to the other....
[He ducks his head.]
I've thought about glass eyes, in fact. I'm not sure where I'd get one on the Barge.
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The Admiral, like or not. Your warden. Might be worth considerin'. All this weird tech, space magic, I bet they could get you one that looks real. Or hell, might even work. Everything else the Admiral can do, why not ask for the moon?
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It's just vanity, anyway, isn't it?
[A little quirk of a smile, and he shrugs at Raylan.]
Unless I ask for a false eye that can really see, and I think that's -- that's going a little too far. It's not as if it was an accident.
[And, in a strange way, he feels as if he doesn't deserve to undo it. It had been an attempt at atonement, in its own way, even if ineffective and unappreciated. He'd been trying to pay for what he'd done.
Something like that can't just be undone with a little favor.]
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I don't think its vanity. No more than someone who's lost any other limb to have a prosthetic.
[He could have elaborated. Gone on about feeling whole or something, but the truth of it was that he had no idea, beyond 'likely extremely complicated'.]
No. It wasn't. I can- [No Raylan, not 'see', bad taste.] understand why replacing it might be.. a betrayal of the sacrifice of it.
Maybe someday you'll consider it. And there's nothin' lost if you don't. [The last thing Raylan wanted to do was push something unwanted, especially when it was all so sensitive.]
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[And he doubts he'd object to figures of speech other than to be difficult, even if he'd given up both eyes.]
Maybe I'll consider a glass eye, at least. Someday.
[He shrugs and finishes off the whiskey in his mug in a single swig.]
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He let a few beats of silence pass and pointedly doesn't refill Gonou's cup. Not because he was encouraging anyone to leave, but Gonou was young. And he had already been hitting it pretty hard.]
I got paired with Roman before the breech. Who'd you get set up with?
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He's fairly sure he can't get drunk for the same reason that he'd been able to heal from a belly wound that should have been a death sentence, and he's not planning to dwell on those or any other effects becoming youkai might have had on him. He simply curls his hands around the empty cup, instead, running his thumb absently over the edge of the handle.]
Connor. I believe he only recently graduated? He seems nice enough. If -- very literal.
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An' I got plenty'a fiction to support him bein' otherwise, but I got enough sense to know better than to trust the stories. Each man to his own story.. No matter where he comes from. I hope y'all get on well.
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[Or other than nice? Gonou blinks, briefly curious.]
'AI.' Artificial intelligence? [He's heard the term from Jacobi, but hadn't connected it to Connor, who'd seemed human enough in their conversation.]
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Fiction about robots. Many many different stories. Some good, some bad.
But yeah, AI, Artificial intelligence. Very controversial, even in my time and smartest robots we got are our phones. Nothin' as.. developed or advanced as anything close to what Connor's ancestors were based off of.
Though I feel like it's impolite to say such a thing to him, no matter how factual it might be.
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[He shrugs, eyebrows flicking up.]
But then, we have all kinds of creatures here, beyond just the human.
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Robots got nothin' on Vampires or mermaids or werewolves. Fairies, hell. But there's more humans than just you and I, so I don't feel any particular kind of way about it.
S'all mythos and legend to me and I figure all them stories have a base somewhere. Maybe we're just getting to see those bases.
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[He inclines his head, just a little.]
Religious extremes... ah, if you mean angels and demons, I do know we at least have demons on board.
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Do we now. Well. I really shouldn't be surprised. I'm guessin' there's no horns and brimstone fire?
It's almost a shame I've read the bible, there's a lotta ideas around 'em. Them and Angels both. Though Elias and his Fear Entities might count.
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There are really surprisingly few devils in the Bible, to be fair. In my world, the youkai fill that gap.
[He toys absently with the mug, rolling it between his hands. He doesn't mind talking about youkai, but there's an edge to it, with someone who believes he's still human.]
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Youkai? Anythin' like whomever you're talkin about? Who are you talkin' about, by the way? I'd like to be able to be aware before I start takin' up conversations. Least we can thank the collage stint for that - catches me up a little bit on rules and general regulations.
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[His words are picked with care, and his enunciation precise; he's uncomfortable with the topic. He's also, clearly, very sober despite rapidly killing a mug full of whiskey.]
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Oh? I'd be interested if you're willin' to elaborate.
You want another drink?
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holy hell, im so sorry this got lost
No worries! <3
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